I can betray anyone but my parents;
and I'll deceive anyone but them too.
Or maybe, I'm deceiving myself as well.
For the first is not true, and I can never agree with myself on the second.
I've given and did nothing for them, except lying.
They've given me nothing but their all, and in return, I breached their trust.
I'm true to everyone, except for them; everyone else knows the truth.
What an irony.
I wanna make the two sentenses come true.
It's like a dream.
What if one they they realise that I've been doing the thing they hate me doing most.
Or perhaps, more probably, they already know; what if one day they catch me in action?
I can't bear to think about it.
It sucks.
I know I haven't been addicted, and I know I can control and just quit.
But I'm not sure what's stopping me from doing it.
Perhaps the guilt within me is not strong enough, or maybe it's non-existent,
that's why I don't haven enough motivation and determination to quit.
Or perhaps all these are just excuses, I just wanna be myself; the rebelious self.
For that's the way of me showing my freedom.
It shows me that at least I still have some sense of inner peace with myself on the outside world.
It's not for the feeling nor the numbness, its for the escapade.
It's a symbolism without significance.
--
If one day I suddennly leave this world, I don't know if I should bury the secret with me.
I don't wanna hurt them further.
It's not the fact that I'm doing the thing they despise that'll do the damage.
It's the truth that I lied to them that'll kill.
But I don't wanna be a liar, even after I'm gone.
Will someone make that decision for me?...
Make a wise one, for the ones it'll hurt won't be me by then.
But the title'll do the job; they will forgive me, I know.
For they love me, just as much as I love them; perhaps even more.
It won't matter when it's being said or told...
I love you.
