Healing

All I need now is for time to pass by fast enough for my wounds to heal before I crumble and fall into the abyss.

--

That's if time do heal.

Only maybe

I've finally thought it through.

Maybe all that you've wanted was just for all these to end. Period.

We've been through all these so many times. But time and again, we've never failed to repeat, and never repent. If your message never come, if you haven make that bold decision, if I have been less willing to let go, maybe the cycle will go on. Maybe life'll be different, better or worse.

Maybe two is better than one.

Now I'm thinking all that we've did and done.

Civil Engineering and Economics

It took me little time to consider and finally make the decision.

Perhaps all the worries were uncalled for. It wasn't as difficult to decide as I thought it'd be.

So...

I'm now tentatively a student in NUS!
Congrats to myself for getting into the course I've always wanted.

But think bout it again, now there's even more things for me to think about and contemplate.

Well, that's life I guess.

Yesterday

All pain is about longing for yesterday - whatever we had before, whatever used to be.

But when pain doesn't go away fast enough, we criticize ourselves for not getting over it, for not being strong enough, or being vulnerable in the first place.

Fix it.

Because if you try too hard to fix pain, it only takes longer to heal...

--

How do you know that it'll be the case if you don't even try.
Maybe it'll never go away if we don't even try.
Maybe time will fail its function one day.
Maybe healing was never what time was meant to do.
Maybe some pain are never possible to heal.
Maybe you were meant to go.
Maybe we weren't meant to meet.

So be it.

Frustration

The root of frustration is desire.

It is perfectly reasonable to want to get what you want, but that desire isn't going to be satisfied right away. Only when you accept it, only when you stop fighting, will you find any peace.

--

Stop having cravings, so that when they don't materialize, you won't freak out.
Stop loving, so that when they're all gone, you won't break down.
Stop being human then. Or face it; we get frustrated, always.
Because there's always a strong desire within us.
Freedom, love, peace, wildness. Forgetting.

Poked.

Yeah. I just had my first 'poke' of my life! Ok. not exactly actually, if you count all those for blood test and injections. Today was my first time having IV! And also doing one...

It's weird and... weird. LOL. But it's definitely fun too! You should try it out. HAHA!

Three words.

I realize that when I'm feeling down, my title is always three words or lesser.

Interesting... LOL.

And I did a total of 7 posts within this one hour! Ha.

Walk out.

Sometimes I wonder,

what should I say or do when I see you on the street and we rub shoulders one day.

Should I even nod my head, or just act a stranger.

Why issit that friends are always walking out of my life.

We used to do so many things together but all that's left is memories.

Maybe I'm just fated to always be a passer by in someone else's life;
there's never a permanent spot for me in their mind.

But then why? Why do I remember all the people that pass by my life so clearly, as though they're all etched in my mind? Why isn't god fair enough to let them be just another random person that walk pass me and let me forget them in no time, just like what they're all doing? Why is it so easy to remember things, but not forgetting them...

I don't understand. I seriously don't.

Time will pass.

Staying in camp is a good opportunity for me to forget about civilian life and all my troubles out there.
But I don't wanna be totally detached from the outside world.
I still have friends and family that love me there.
I still miss my freedom...

Anyway. Bro is going off to USA tonight.
I'll be left without a computer from now on. Haiz. Kinda sad.
Not that I don't have a comp now. But I'm gonna lose yet another confidante.
Even though it's only for two months.
Life will never be the same for this 2 months I guess.
So many things's been happening.
And I'm feeling nothing but depressed.

All the above notes are things that I've written on my phone for me to blog when I'm out while I'm in camp. Though I'm feeling a little lighter and happier now, the same kind of sadness still lingers. When I'm out, sometimes I wonder if it's a good thing to not book out. But of course, like I say, I still miss my family and the freedom I have here. Maybe it's just the boredom that kills me out here. Hope this 2 months, in fact, 2 years to be exact, will pass soon.

I really and desperately wants my freedom back.
I wanna be with my parents, whose age is catching up fast.
I wanna be with all my friends, who all seem to be drifting away with their own private life.
I wanna be in my house, that seem all so unfamiliar to me now.

But maybe I'll just get use to the life in there one day.
Just that it won't be any time soon I guess.

Stay happy.

When your mind and heart stay happy, then it'll always be a great day no matter where you are and what you are doing.

Perhaps so.

Sometimes you are just used to having her around that's why you feel like you can't live without her. But maybe you don't even love her anymore and there is no point holding on to nothing right? Not easy giving up someone you have for so long but maybe time will prove that it's not love.

--

Stop acting like your relationship prob or whatthefuckever is a great deal.

--

Perhaps. You are all right.

Ceased.

I would like to stop our relationship for the time being. Please do not contact me for the next half a year. We will cease our relationship for half a year. Take care of yourself. Hope everything will go well for you. Thanks and regards, xxxxx.

--

Why ask me to take care when you obviously don't care. You just want me to fuck off. I will, and obviously I'll take care. My heart may stop pumping upon your leaving, but my world doesn't cease it's working, my existence doesn't cease in the worlds of people who still loves me.

How do you supposed everything will be well for me when you're gone. We haven't been as important to each other as we had been, and the feeling's faded. But how is it easy to forget someone you've been so used to having for the past 7 years.

Why say thanks to me, when I didn't have a choice to make; when I couldn't voice out the objections I wanted to. I've never granted you the permission to leave, don't thank me, you're doing it on your own accord.

Don't send me regards, when you don't even regard my existence as important anymore. We are mere strangers now.

--

I tried so hard to salvage even the simplest remains of what we could have. But you tried even harder for things to progress on the opposite track. There's nothing I can do, except to let you drift out of my life.

Goodbye my lover.
Take care of yourself.
Hope everything will go well for you.
Thanks and regards, Jason.

Hold on.

Hold on to what is good,
even if it's a handful of earth.

Hold on to what you believe,
even if it's a tree that stands by itself.

Hold on to what you must do,
even if it's a long way from here.

Hold on to your life,
even if it's easier to let go.

Hold on to my hand,
even if I've gone away from you...

Thanks blog.

You've been the one to walk me through lonely times.
You've been the one I'll turn to whenever I'm down.
You've been the one for me to share all my emotions.

When I need you, you'll always be there.

But dear blog, no matter what, you're never living.
You've never responded to my happiness, nor console me on my sorrows.
You're never my friend.

My friends may not always appear at times when I need them.
But they'll still be by my side when I call on them.
My friends may not keep secrets like how you're able to.
But at least they listen better than you do.

You've given me an avenue. Thanks.
But I'm willing to give you up when I have to.
That'll never happen on my friends.
I can never afford to lose them.
I need them, badly; all of them.

I love you, friends; all of you.
and I never wanna lose any of you.

Tell me.

"Booking in tonight? Hope you're feeling better. Don't bring in all the unhappiness with you alright. Take care and see you soon!..."

All that I've wished for, is you to say that to me.
That'll make my day.

Next phase.

I'm booking in tonight again!
It's a different phase of army from now on.

But I'm going through a different/difficult phase of my life too.
So many things had happened.
There's only 2 times in the past that I feel reluctant to book in.
And I think the 3rd time will be tonight.
So much had happened that I don't wanna go back in.
I'm not ready to give up my freedom just yet.
I wanna get everything settled before that.
But I think it's just a form of discipline.
I'm gonna win over myself. I'm gonna think positive.

Forgive/Forget

We used to have so much to talk about.
We used to have so much laughter about stupid things.
We used to have so much fun together.

I'm so used to it.

But that's all that I can do now.
That's all that I'm left with now.
That's all.

There's nothing else left,
except all the memories.
And now I'm to give up even the last bit of my possession.

--

It's so easy to forgive a friend.
But it's never easy to forgive ourselves.

It's so easy to forget who we are.
But it's never easy to forget a friend.

I can never forgive myself and forget all that's happened.

Macus'

I'm now over at his place.

Can you se how bored I am being home alone?

And I really don't wanna spend the last night that I'm gonna have on this block of leaves alone.

So tada! I'm here. Watching soccer. LOL.

Don't understand.

Don't know why am I feeling so down and emotional these few days.

What happened to all the positive mindset that I used to so successfully convince myself of.

I've gotta shake all these out of my mind soon.
Time will heal. It should.
I know.

Think positive, Jason!

What if .

What if we haven't done it?
Will we regret and pity the chance missed?

So much for wanting to be friends like what we were.
We both know it's impossible.

Imaginary Friends

Friend A and Friend B used to be close; they were inseparable.
But out of a sudden, they ceased talking; ending a relationship that many others were jealous of.

Friend C and Friend D were classmates in the past, they were buddies and talk about everything under the sun. Friend C fell in love with Friend D and he confessed to her; from then on, awkwardness and silence is all that filled the air around them. The chatters never appear again.

Friend E and Friend F were close friends. They advices each other about how their partners feel when they quarrel and what kind of presents to buy for their partners. Jealousy from their spouse meant the friendship was impossible, and it all ended up with disappointment.

Friend G and Friend H used to have a thing for each other. But the latter being the flirt that he was chose someone else over her and things turned sour thereafter.

Friend I and Friend K were close study and play mates. But discord sowed by others surrounding broke the friendship that was thought to be so strong.

Friend J and Friend L used to always study and have fun together, even late till midnights. They were each other's confidante and soul mate. But one night of impulsion and folly tattered everything, including the friendship that was so fond.

Friend M and Friend N were childhood playmates. Different results and schools meant they went on two very different route from the society's point of view, circumstances didn't allow their relationship to last, and so it ended a tragedy.

Friend O and Friend P were buddies in school. Competition and rivalry made this study pair fight and compete fiercely; so much so that things turned for the bad and the friendship shattered.

Friend Q and Friend R were close as though brothers. The former enjoys riding and often puts his life at risk point. An accident took away all that is precious to the other.

Friend S and Friend T were very good friends since young. A jet skiing trip saw them colliding head-on, killing one of them. Guilt and agony is all that is left for the one that survived.

Friend U and Friend V were close and goes over to each other's house for dinner often. The latter went on to study abroad just after the former thought he fell in love with her, and so he waited, just to know that she's going overseas to study with a boy she's fond of.

Friend W and Friend X used to always hangout together. Falling in love with the same girl means the friendship between them was destroyed; one of them went on to marry the girl.

Friend Y and Friend Z were old school mates and friends of long. When the former broke up with his girlfriend, he confided with the latter; only to know that he was the reason behind the break-up...

Drunk again.

That's what happened last night.

I was supposed to be the emo kid.
End up the other two drank more than me cause they're exceptionally happy for no good reason.

So Rex ended up having to send Andy home while I waited for my brother to pick me up from my void deck cause I failed countless attempts to press the lift button.
But just to clarify, I didn't puke alright! Andy did. LOL!!!

Break up

放我一个人生活 请你双手不要在紧握
一个人我至少干净利落
沦落就沦落 爱闯祸就闯祸
我也放你一个人生活
你知道就算继续结果还是没结果
就彼此放生留下活口
曾经孤单加上孤单是爱火 燃烧过你和我
如今沉默加上沉默更沉默 再没有什么舍不得

最怕回憶 突然翻滾絞痛著 不平息
最怕突然 聽到你的消息
突然好想你 你會在哪裡 過得快樂或委屈
突然好想你 突然鋒利的回憶 突然模糊的眼睛

請原諒我
原諒我不成熟
不愛妳是藉口
好讓妳離開我
請原諒我
好想自私將妳佔有
一个寂寞就給我承受
換妳過更好的生活

其实我非常爱你 不想失去你
难道我没有权力 说我不原意
可不可以任性 求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句 其实还爱你

就当作分手时因为
我们在爱中看开
如果留不住
我就只有孤独来陪伴
Missing you 我无奈
难道是为了彼此伤害
好成为扮演愉快的天才

Sweet mistake.

Who am I to turn to now?!

No one understands what I'm going through.

I can't speak, and there's no one to talk to.

When I needed just any one of you, none appeared.

Perhaps I'm being possessive; perhaps I'm being demanding.

But I just wanted to shout everything out.

I'm struggling so hard within. So mixed; so raw.

Too wrong; too much a mistake.

Crazy.

I've wanted so much to scream,

But for now, I'll just do it in silence.

Thank you Didi!

I hate to exploit people especially when it troubles them.

But I really have no choice.

Thanks bro!

--

Just to add on.

Friends are really damn bloody important;
especially the true ones,
so much so that I can die for so many of them;
I can say that they'll always be my priority,
no matter what.

Why am I egoistic?

Because I wanna let everyone know everything about me.
I wanna be truthful and frank and not hide any part of me.
I wanna let people around me understand me.
If you're humble, you're not being hypocritical;
You're just unsure of yourself.
You're afraid of people exposing the deeper side of you
and you don't want others to probe into the inner you.

But then again, it's precisely because of a lack of self-assurance that I want others to know more about me and that's why I'm such a show off.
You have no reason to boast for the simple fact that you have no need to do so.
Your character and personality will shine even without verbal expressions.
You have the self-confidence and self-esteem; that's why you can hide your ego and suppress the temptation to impress.

--

So which is which?

Do I just want to shine, or am I simply a loser?
Are you unsure of yourself, or the other way round, that you are full of confidence?

I think there's always two sides to a story.
Two answers to a simple question that I've posed myself to ponder upon but they contradicts each other. Which comes before which; which holds more significance?
No one can be sure which side of the two tales they stand firm on.
But people moving in and out of your life do know which kind of person you are.
There's no need to hide, because both are true.
Trying too hard to convince others to understand you will backfire; you'll just be misunderstood to be another egoistic bustard.
But keeping everything to yourself and hide your emotions and opinions will make you appear as an hypocrite and a difficult man to be be with.
Why this imbalance? Where's the line to be drawn? What's the rationale to do the things you do? And how should we convince ourselves to be what we deemed the perfect man?

There's no right and wrong; there's just the nice and the ugly.

Who we are are not reflected by what we do, but by what people around us sees.
Or is it the other way round?

--

You once told me that you're not bothered by how others look at you; you just wanna be who you are and be yourself as it is. I don't understand your rationale; how often in life do we need to be ourselves, we're merely a chess piece on everyone else's life. I do envy your bravery and frankness, it's a bold and meaningful move, but I'm sorry, I still don't understand.

.

A philosophical question I've thought for for long.

4people.

Now I know of 4 people that actually reads my blog.

Thanks for your support!

I'll be more careful with what I say next time. =]

Who?

Who should we thank; Who should we blame?

Who's losing it; Who feels the pain?

Who deserves who, who is to say.

Who's left, but who should stay?

Who has the right, to say who's wrong?

Who has the guts, to say he's strong?

Who's hurt; who's not.

Who's cold, to totally forgot...?

Where is my pay?!?!

Why isn't it banked in yet!!!

Zzz.

I'm now having a saving plan:

Save $300-400 every month, so that by the 10th month, I can buy my own PC!

Then the next 10 month's savings will be used to purchase my other accessories such as a new phone and tech-gadgets. Hmmm. Nice plan I have huh!

Prompt me when I overspend! :D:D

Just too bad.

What if one day you lose the thing that's most important to you.
What if one day the thing you fear most hit you.
Will you be able to face it bravely, or succumb to cowardice?

--

Family and freedom; Loneliness and rejection.

If one day my parents leave me suddenly, I'll break down.
For so long I've always thought that I, being the run-away kid that hates being coop at home, am independent and mature enough to sustain life on my own. It's true, I won't have problem with everyday routines; but I'll definitely lose my mental pillar, my moral support and emotional strength. These are the things that only my family can provide and I need them constantly to move on. I don't wanna lose focus in life, I don't wanna lose directions through this journey, and I don't wanna lose the thing I love most.

Freedom is something I've always enjoyed since young. I don't know whether it's good or bad; whether it did me more harm than otherwise. But I do know that I'm now addicted to it. So addicted that 8 days of confinement in army kills me. So addicted that the much anticipated military life ended up dreadful and dull. So addicted that I'm willing to humble myself to become a lowly creature. I just wanna be free from restrictions; like how I was brought up to be.

I never one moment enjoyed being lonely. Being alone is perfectly fine; as long as my mind is occupied. But I hate to feel aimless. I hate to have no purpose and no place to go. I hate to feel like there's nothing for me to fight for, to achieve. And I hate most when all these happen when I'm alone. Get it? I just want accompaniment; I just want you. Just be with me, whatever it is. Just don't leave me alone. Especially when I'm so use to having you. Especially when your place is indispensable in my heart. Especially when you're important to me. Especially when I love you.

If rejection is a better outcome than keeping quiet about something, I'll gladly accept. Smack me right down back to earth.
But it's always easier said than done. How often do we feel dejected and disheartened when we face failure? Even when we tell ourselves that failing is just part and parcel of life; even when we know we can learn from our mistakes, pick ourselves up and move on; even when we know it's not the end. We still hate it. It just shows that we're more of a loser than we thought we are, and by hating it, we prove to be more of a sore loser, less of a man. In another words, we are all losers. At least I know, I am one. I know.

But well, we all have to face it isn't it; we will never have our family with us all year round and they will leave us eventually one day; neither will we always have the freedom to do any and every thing we want because there's always responsibilities and obligations to uphold. There'll definitely be times where all the people around you have no time for you simply because no one's world revolves solely around yours; rejections and failures are also definite in life for there's no alternative route to otherwise.

--

But what if one day you really lose the thing you love most and the thing you fear most surfaces. Will you break down? Or will you accept it as it is? I'm not sure if I can do it. But I'm sure I'll definitely handle it better today than yesterday, and it'll only be better tomorrow. Because I know I'm learning everyday, and I'm trying; I'm improving. Most importantly, I'm maturing.

Life is never smooth sailing; when the worst hit, suck thumb. JTB.

lolliPOP.

POP lo!

It's the day we've all been looking forward to. But on the day itself then we got the notice that we have got to split beforehand. It sucks. It may be a short 2 months, but the bond within all of us is strong. And we wanna stay as it is. But well, life will move on.

It has been a very tiring week; it's only a short three days, but it feels more tiring than a full week. Partly due to the 24km route march and all the rehearsals/drills, but I guess it's mostly because of the weather, the combination of heat and rain is ultimate. Wooh. But the sweat and burns are definitely worth it for the ceremony.

Now, let us look forward to the next stage of training!

Fastforward.

I just went to flip through the past few posts from just before my enlistment till now.

Suddenly, Time seems meaningless to me, because it all pass by so fast!

I can still remember the anxiety, the eagerness and the emptiness of my heart the few weeks before the big day. And now, I'm just 3 working days to passing out. I've expected this actually, brainwashing myself from the start that when it all ends, it'll seem like a blink of an eye. But it wasn't easy.

From bidding goodbye to my parents, settling in, meeting and making new friends, looking forward to the first book-out, failing my swimming test and IPPT, CNY, A level results day, field camp, SOC, route march and RT to now, I'm just one step away. Not exactly so, since it's still a very very long way to the end. I'm barely 1/11 of my journey in green. But like I say, everything will end in a blink of an eye. It wasn't easy to come thus far. So many of us had so many times wanted to give up. But we survived, at least till now. There's so much memories, even in just this two short months. I know it's definitely not the fondest photos of our life we can get, but pictures of you people's faces will forever be etched in my mind. We've suffered and laughed through so many days altogether. Even if we fall out or back-stabbed, we still love each other; how ironic. It's true. We're gonna part ways soon; but this isn't supposed to be an emotional goodbye speech, because our life has converged and it'll never be parallel from now on, in fact, it's gonna be polynomial, meeting many more times along the time-axis.

Of course, not just the time in PRC. My life out of there has also changed so dramatically. Some of the people I used to hangout with moved on, while others stayed. I'm glad most of you stayed, if not I would not have survived. Thank you will be under-appreciative. It's more than I can express. This is perhaps a life changing period for me, though many would say that this two years is just a pause, we'll just serve and fuck off. But people who aren't with us will be two years ahead. That includes all our loved ones. Just like what she did, she moved on. I don't blame her totally, neither do I feel anything negative about friends who did likewise. It's process, a transitional one; perhaps to see who are the ones that really love you and you should love. But no matter what, you don't expect friends to pause for two years for you; so, let them go.

And families too. I think family contributed so much to my emotions in recent times. I used to say that I've done a lot of decision making that revolves around her. I was wrong, I realize. My parents definitely played a larger role. So what if I have the chance and ability to go abroad for further education and return with big bucks, or to pursue my childhood dreams to fly high in the sky. My parents may not get a chance to witness all these; they are old. I won't say that they don't have much left, but I don't wanna spend less time with them than I could. I realize I'm contented to book out just to see them and I'm sad when I know that they won't be home when I am. I tear at the thought of them leaving me, not because I'm weak nor because I need them, but because I think I've owed them a lot a lot. I haven't have the chance to repay whatever they've given me, and I won't wanna wait for long to do it. I wanna pen all these down, not hoping that people will see this and judge me, but because I'm afraid that if one day I suddenly leave them, they won't know how I feel. If there's one greatest regret in my life, it is my cowardice that failed me in expressing my love for them.

All these reflections are things going through my head while in camp. It is when you don't get to have the decision and choice to see the people you always see that you realize that 'always' is always wrong; it is then that you realize that you may one day not see them and that it'll be too late to realize by then. I never believe that being away from home and going through army life will change my perspective and maturity. I've always know I loved the people I love, but I've never know of the degree that is so immense, until really going through it. Life changing I will say, and that is my reflection of my army life so far. And it's only 2 months into it, I'm not sure what other philosophies I'll come up with in future with so much spare time and space for my brain to work things out, but this is definitely enough for me to call myself a Man, no longer a Boy.

I've grown up, definitely.

Revenge.

Now I finally understand how hard it was for you.

Walking out of your life was my greatest regret but you gave me a second chance.
Thank you.
But why, now that we've finally come to mutual consensus then you decide to hit it back at me. Now that there's nothing to fight for, why? I don't understand.

--

Being alone at home has always been the thing I hate most. And now, that is the case.
I enjoy this kind of peace, this kind of quietness. But I hate it when my mind drifts towards the negatives.

Perhaps I should start learning. Two things. One to accept the way things are. The other to accept how stupid I really am. I'm a fast learner; I'm sure I can learn it fast. Give me just 10 years, or 20, or more.

--

Emotions; sometimes I really hate it. It makes you a slave and become powerless. The only thing you can do is to succumb to it and let it drives your mind. It makes you weak and costs you your rationality.

But I guess sometimes, people just prefer to be lost, to be irrational, isn't it?

Let me go. Go wild.

Deadline.

Today's the deadline for many uni's application!

Haha. Don't know why I'm excited by it though; already done it long ago.

But well, this isn't the last chance I'll be getting anyway. That's why I'm only gonna apply for the Uni's scholarship and special programs next year (or perhaps the following).

Gonna take things in life less seriously.

Not that I've always been serious or stern, just gonna be more relaxed.

Chill Jason!!! Haha.