Think twice

Perhaps there isn't really much regret, just sorry.
Perhaps there isn't really much love, just guilt.

Perhaps we really weren't meant to be together in the first place.

We just did too many things.
Far too much than what we're supposed to.
Far too fast than we both can cope and handle.
We're both in the wrong.

Don't blame me.
I won't blame you.

It's a fair game.
I've compensated.
You've given your fair share.
There's no measurement to know who played a bigger part, or major role.
We both know and understood, still, we both agreed.
We started it out together.
Though we didn't end it together like the way it should have.
We did end it.
And that is correct.

Now we'll part, totally, finally.
Eventually all pain will be forgotten, all wounds healed.
All memories faded.
Even the face, the things, the feelings of hatred and misgiving.

You're not the one.
I'm not for you.

You were clear about this,
and now I understand it too.

It's not easy to be friends again.
It'll be more painful if that's the case.
I know it now.
That's why you chose to completely severe all ties.
I like that.
I'll abide to the rule of the game.

It's not yet Game Over.
Because we've unfinished business:
We haven't forget each other's existence.
We're still living in each other's sphere, shadow.
I'm still present, you too.
The rule is that we have to vaporize.
So that's what we're gonna do.

Stranger.
You've moved on earlier than me,
while I stayed put.
Move faster, before I catch up.
I don't wanna cross path with you yet again.
That'll be torturous.
Let the pain cease here.
I don't wanna participate or even peek into your life any further,
lest I get myself hurt.
I know you won't do it too.
Let it be a one-off lump-sum pay-off for whatever we've owed each other,
which my guess now is that there's nothing much left.
So go on.
Hurt me just this last once.
I'll let you go.
Like how you let go of me.
Clean move.

Ciao.

Let it go please.

A post from January 28th, 2010.

Goodbye my lover.

I know I shouldn't have turned back.

But still, I know you're a strong girl.

It's good enough that you replied, because it's definitely too much to ask for more.

We've proved to fail, even though we were the perfect couple in so many ignorant eyes.

But it's not the end; we'll both move on, I know.

We've learnt a lot from each other.

Though we shall part, the memories left behind will never.

It's been a good 5 years, and the goodness will somewhat continue.

I've tried so hard to hold on, I swear. But we both know it'll end up like this,

even before we started.

This isn't the first, but I know it'll be the last.

I've broken the fragile heart of yours much more times than I am entitled to.

We both know we've long past the expiry date.

So, for now,

Goodbye my lover.

Go find your better man

--

I was so stupid.

I've posted this up myself,
I've realized and understood everything that I should have 10 months ago.

Why did I clean forgot about it?

Why did I allow myself to be deluded.

Haiz...

Maggots no more

Gentlemen

We've earned it.

--

And now I'm back in Singapore from my eye-opening and life-experiencing trip at Brunei.

The first activity that we started of with will never be forgotten by any one of us.
It was definitely something worth trying, but once is enough, no need for a second time (but me being the betrayer didn't though my detachment ultimately did because of a $5.95-reason XD). Flash flood plus high tide plus heavy rain - ultimate combi for harboring out in the field.

After that was River crossing, nothing special, just shag. PB after that makes things worse but it's our punishment, so no choice.

Second activity was tiring but more relaxed cos it's OTOT! Camp fire, insects, hammock. Walk walk walk and walk. None of the teams completed the checkpoints, so we were considered slightly above average since we were near. Base camp never seem so heavenly after.

Subsequently are the missions. As usual, shag more than fun. Nothing much to highlight for the first two except the reshuffling of detachments. Raymond cried and made everyone else so emotional. The original Det 2 was so united, I don't understand why the change, made everything so complex and everyone so vexed. But oh well, I know the retionale, just refuse to accept the fact. No choice, we just have to make do with the new Dets. I'm once again drafted back to Det 4. Seems like I'm stuck with '4' through my NS life afterall.

Back to the missions. Final mission was really shag. CWO, Biang, 7-sisters. Shiok. Ha. And I don't know whether Heaven's playing trick on us or trying to help, it rained both days. Considering non of the other outfield (except the one where we harbored) rained, it's quite epic. Being the CSM runner's a mission by itself. When everyone get to rest, I have to work; and when others work, I also have to work. Sabash.

last night out in the field was spent with my OC. It's something special, not because I get to sleep with my OC or because I got Maggi to eat, but because I got a Basha to sleep in! No rain for me! HAHA. Quite an experience not many others will get though. =]

Casualty evacuation after that was no fun. Having to control a company-size troop is not an easy feat. I can seriously feel the commanders now. Everyone was so high after the final mission, but I just don't seem to feel a thing, partly because I was rather disappointed with myself and my performance when given the task to lead. Destined to be just a Man I guess.

Anyway, some things I want to highlight:

- I'm really amazed by the insects over there (and sidetrack a bit; I saw no animals, not even a bird in the forest, just lots of noise): everything's upsized. The ants, the worms, and most importantly the bees. They're so hugh that they instill fear in you when the fly near you. And the problem is they always do; just that they never sting. They're just there to irritate you with their buzz.

- It was supposed to be rainy season over there but like I say, only the final mission involved rain, so I guess Heaven's rather kind on us considering that we're famous for being 'Rain God' that always attract the waters. Not bad for our laundry too. =]

- One thing I wonder is: why are the roots so nicely staggered. They grow so perfectly fit for climbing. Such a mockery. Built for us to step; even Nature's working for SAF, readily providing us with such training grounds. (Okay, it's really a random thought I have while climbing, nothing much to do).

- And there's something 'K'ick-ass there. It's really 'N'OTHING. O.o . You just need your 'L'egs and some 'L'uck to conquer it. How can we forget about the KNOLL almighty! Basically, that's everything to summarize for the whole of Brunei trip. Knolls. =X

--

And with the Brunei finale, we're having 90% of the Red Beret on our head. It's just two more milestones for us before we have it high up on our head. =]

Conclusion

The memories a nemesis I cannot best.

Moment of Truth

The time you've wanted has ended.
You say you'll tell me the truth.
But I need no reason.
I don't want the truth.
Just give me our future.
I'm still waiting.

--

20th was one of my hardest day in Brunei.
The anxiety. The excitement.
The anticipation.

Everyone was cheering when we touched down.
But I couldn't be bothered.
I've not felt a single bit of relieve even after we check out.
because I know there's something more I want than to go home.

--

But I was crushed;
crashed and burnt,
face smack right down the Earth.

All that I've been hoping for,
they're against hope.
All the future I've been imaging,
they're mere illusions.
All the promises that you've made,
they've evaporated.

I feel lost.
I am devastated.

I've always been holding on to that single thread of hope
that one day you'll return.
I was so confident that we'll never have a true end.
That you belong to me, for eternity.
This feel so fucked up.
Because I've never really lose you before.
Until yesterday then I realize this cold hard fact:
we've ended long ago.
Way before all my hopes were harbored.

You're no longer mine,
you never were.

--

Please just end it
I don't want this to continue anymore
Could you just let me go?
We have ended .
let it go please.

--

I always thought I've convinced myself enough to feel numb about everything.
I always thought I'm enjoying my singlehood; relationship no longer fit into my life style, so perhaps one is better than two.
I always convince my friends that I've gotten over her.
I always enjoy looking back at our conversations and photos, thinking those memories were enough

Truth is:
I was never prepared to let go.

--

I wanted this post to be emotional;
I wanted to churn tears when I read back in future.
Because this day marks the real end between the two of us.
It marks an end to a 7-year long project.
It's a milestone.

But it's really pointless.
All the tears that I'm supposed to shed for you,
I've done my fair share.
Perhaps what people said few years back was true:
you're not worth my time,
much less my tears.

I should have seen that more clearly
before stepping into this maze so tangled up.

--

So this shall be a conclusive post for us,
even though I know more emotional ones will definitely follow.
Right now while I'm still strong, let me tell you:

Thanks.
Thanks for all the time that we've spent together.
Thanks for all the lessons that you've taught me in life and in our relationship.
Thanks for always being there when I needed someone.
Thanks for occupying my otherwise lonely heart for the past few years.
Thanks for being that special one and allowing me to have someone special.
Because I sincerely appreciate them all.

Sorry.
Sorry for always shouting at you when I'm pissed.
Sorry for making you do things that you dread doing.
Sorry for taking up so much of your time; your youth; your freedom.
Sorry for all the times that I've disappointed you.
Sorry for not taking good care of you when I'm supposed to.
Sorry for not being your Mr. Right.
and Sorry, for not being a good boyfriend.

Certain things that have been done cannot be undone.
Memories that have been created will forever be etched in the heart.
Wounds that have been resulted will heal one day.

I know I didn't reply your last message last night.
I really didn't know what's there left to say.

But now I know:

Good luck and all the best.
Good bye;
we shall be strangers from now on,
no need to say hi even when we bump into each other.
I'll feign ignorance,
I'll not feel a thing,
my heart will not skip a beat.

--

You didn't even apologize.
And you actually beg me to let you go.

When did I ever manage to stop you from leaving?
You should have just told me earlier.

And why,
why is it that we can't even be friends?

I guess there isn't really a need to know the reasons.
So long.
Farewell.

And yes, I'm back!

From hell.

I feel detached

Thanks bros!

Even though just now at the dinner table you guys said that you all won't be going, but I know you all want to go.
So though you guys are not sending me off later, I seriously appreciate the thought and feel honored to have such a nice bunch of brothers. Thanks.

And STG also, IFF you guys are bored and really bo liao, I know you all will appear too. LOL. Thanks anyway.

And OCS kiddo, girl over friend ah! But you are forgiven. =]. All the best and see you soon!

--

Wanted to write it together with "Bon voyage" but write it separately more sincere. LOL!

I'll be gone

And I'll miss our promised date,
but I don't really think you'll care, or even remember.
I want so much to tell you that I'm leaving for the time being.
But you left me earlier for a longer time.
It's my turn to MIA.

But anyway, see you soon; I hope...

Bon Voyage

Bye, Jason.
All the best for your trip and please come back in one piece.

P.S: the red beret under your mum's bed is waiting for you! XD

(self-talk)

Where did my salary gone to?!?! (AGAIN)

Tomorrow is the 10th, so by right the pay should be coming in tomorrow.
But because it is a Sunday and banks are closed, the pay was advanced.
So I received it yesterday. And guess what, more than half is gone by now.
Great. New MP3, new phone; plus all the accessories for them and other gadgets that I brought along with this "mad-spending-rush".

It all comes with a cost of course.
Cost: (too lazy to calculate)
Benefit: (incalculable)

Conclusion: =D I'm a happy man!
(if I don't check my bank account)

Nostalgia

7th October 2010

Today I walked down the road once so familiar.
It's not the first time I'm walking it alone,
but I've never felt more lonely.

I walked the pace you find too fast but always kept up with because you never wanted to slow me down.

I saw the father figure at the badminton court that we always avoided,
and so I did today.

I sat down at the place I always do before you moved when we were still so young,
looked up like I used to. That was so long ago, indeed, 7 years; one-third of my life ago.

I hurried my steps when I walked under the bamboo sticks like you always do for your paranoia, and I felt an anxiety too today: for fear of being spotted by familiar faces.

I went to the seat where I always sat while waiting for you and I saw a figure so much like you, I skipped a beat.

I walked the route I always take when going home after sending you,
pending your wave that I haven't seen for long.

--

All this now without you;
not a presence of you in my life.

I'm used to my singlehood and I enjoy it,
forgetting you once stepped into my life...

But maybe two, is better than one.

--

回忆过去
痛苦的相思忘不了
为何你还来拨动我心跳
爱你怎么能了
今夜的你应该明了
缘难了 情难了

Nothing comparable.

Even 63 years of great love has an ending.
7 is even an overstatement for ours.
So short, so humble, and yet we can barely hold on.

Jason,

Reality is cruel.
Cruelty is real

You know there's a lot of expectations from you.
There's a lot of people waiting for your success, but there's even more waiting to see you fail.
There's a lot if things you want to do and should do, or even must;
and there's even more that you want to achieve.
There's no time to hesitate;
there's no turning back.

You know who you want to show, what you want to prove.
You know there's something out there waiting for you to claim, to win it back.
And you know what's there for you to fight for.

There's no need for others to tell you this,
because only you yourself knows best what these answers are.

Freedom is merciless.
Fight on.

Commando-style weekend 2

Ok. So it's yet another Thursday book out.
This time round even more shag.
Hmmm. Maybe not, considering I didn't do triathlon this week like what I did last.

Anyway, yes, I did sleep on Thursday night after supper;
but that 7hrs is definitely not enough to compensate the mere-2hrs-of-sleep on Wed night. Admin work is definitely a chore, and I'm just not cut out to be office boy. Oh well, suck thumb.

Anyway, damn pissed off during my book out on Thurs. Supposed to go dinner together with B-team, but they all PS-ed cause they wanna go eat straight after book out. I never even eat breakfast on that day! And I didn't complaint hungry. Haiz. But yeah, I know I can't blame you guys, almost everyone is going crazy with the hunger. Oh well. But I still did had my buffet at Illuma (again), gay-ed with Alex. LOL. After we parted, I went for a short walk down the memory lane. Nostalgic. Met with Rex for awhile before heading home to sleep.

So Friday morning was personal R&R time for me to settle my new HTC Touch2 and iTouch.
Before I can finish them, I rushed off to meet Chinboon and head for Beach road to do last minute shopping for Brunei. Then Vj Open House. End up only our batch went back; but it was definitely worth the time considering the amount of fun we had. Reached Lavender for dinner with Macus' BMW. One word - shiok. Nabei, why so filthy rich.

Back home after meeting up with Kang after the team dismissed to pack my hand carry bag which I don't know whether it can pass the custom. =X
Anyway, headed down to Alex's for Mahjong. And that sums up Friday.
Which have no end, because the Mahjong session lasted all the way till the next morning where no break was given before we proceed to Sentosa. Sun-tan session 2 with the STG aka Sun Tan Gang. LOL. Gave up and packed up early cos we were all too shag. Chill-out at PCC then lunch at Serangoon before coming back home.

And here I am, still sitting in front of my comp, not intending to treasure the mere 2 hours I'm left with to sleep before going dinner at Cathay. (Almost everyone's going!) Hmmmm... Shall see how long my stamina will last till I shag out. Zzz

Brunei the Devil

he's approaching.

I was still anticipating it so much few months ago.
Now it's really here, 12hrs away.

But next thing you know,
it's over.

Or so I think.

Godson

aka Dog, or Lackey if you like it.

Disgusting.

But I'm honored.

I seriously don't know what I did to deserve this,
but I just wanna make sure I don't disappoint;
even though I know it's really hard to achieve.

32 more days

It's not about 12hrs later;
not about 22days later.
it's the 32rd day from now that really matters.

Our Big Day.

Commando-style weekend

Outfield mode.

If only every weekend is like this;
it won't matter that they were shag.

If only every outfield is like this;
it won't matter that they don't end.

I like to run

because that's the time you force your mind to work at its limit, and transcend it.
you reflect on things that you never realize or observe.
you conclude on findings that prove to be valuable.
you draw out plans and make crucial decisions.

But one minus for this is that it last as far as your stamina allows.
After you stop, the thoughts scatter, the ideas diffuse.

Power

I like it when I have the power,
when I can alter things,
when I can determine others' fate,
when I can sway decisions and opinions.

But the responsibility that it brings forth is seriously heavy,
though I've yet to feel the full thrust.

More to come Jason, more!

Good or bad, it's only up to me to decide.
But this is one decision I have no idea where to sway it to.

Boring blog

I realize my blog is DAMN boring cause everything circles around me, myself and I; plus my life. How many people out there's actually interested in my life anyway? A handful, at most. I can always be philosophical and deep, which in fact I've been trying with my other concurrent blog, but what's the point?

This blog's meant to be my diary.
For me to look back,
not you to look at.
But you're always welcomed of course,
until you're bored; eventually you'll leave.

Peep all you want,
save the comments and judgments.

--

Where are you?
It's my diary,
for you to remember my existence,
for you to keep track of my life,
for you to understand what I'm going through,
for you to come back to be part of my diary eventually...
It's for you.

But do you even know of its existence?...

Long weekend!

Ok. Thursday book out was late,
but can't complaint.
Other than it being on a THURSDAY,
the slackness of the whole week (at least for me) also fully justified CSM's holding back.

Things that follow followed fast, at least up till now.
Clubbing was cancelled cause the rest were all shag out,
so only mahjong's left; all the way till 5 where we caught an hour of sleep before heading to Sentosa.
That place was a heaven today, full of babes and bikinis, rare for a Friday afternoon, thanks to NAFA. Activities today were well-planned as well, everything altogether was a wow, not less what we expected; much more in fact.

Back at home now preparing to go for a run, which I hope will realize but doubt so, considering the sleepy state I'm in now. Stayover tonight? perhaps. But I'm definitely gonna go meet up with Rex to get the songs into my hard drive, otherwise my iTouch will be redundant. And that idiot's only free after 9 cause of gf. Zzz.

Tomorrow's another Sentosa day, credit to Junyang who wants beach volleyball so much. But I'm only interested in the sun tanning opportunity. Sun tan lotion: checked!
Then it'll be getting of my new phone! XDXD . Blackberry 9000 or HTC Touch 2?!?!?! Nvm, shall see tmr.
Dinner will be at Chomps, back to our usual hideout for a crash course module for our precious bazhang who's never been there before! Unbelievable.
Anyway. it'll be the last before Brunei I guess, unless I somehow manage to squeeze some time in next week for it. Oh well.
Night cycling! Tentatively. Haha.

Sunday will be meeting up with Jasmine for my insurance shit,
then swimming, and if possible, gym.
Cut hair; then prepare to book in!
Shiok.
Shiok to fill up your precious weekends to avoid the 'empty' and 'wasted' feeling. =]=]

--

Today was a blast.
I love it.

Running Clerk

Other than needing to report everyday at 8am and 5pm,
everything else is a plus.
Now that I think of it,
I love this job.

Brunei is soooooo near!

Next week this time I should be busy packing my stuff.
Hope all goes well smoothly and it'll all be over in a blink of an eye!