Which course to take?!?!

Torn. Taunt.

Between the course I wanna take in University.
I suddenly lost direction with all the blurry comments and advices that people around me gave and are giving.

I was once so passionate about doing my civil engineering course.
Then I realize that it can actually be taken with another of my interest - economics.
This double degree course has been on my mind for a very long time, so when the opportunity appears, I didn't hesitate to go for it.
The five years duration was a deterrence, but it wasn't the main reason for me to back out. It's really wasteful to spend 2 years to get good grades, only to apply with them for a course that don't require that excellent a result when you got it. Civil engineering is really rather undervalued in the current local scene. And I'm not confident of saying that that picture will change any time soon.

So I turned away and look for an alternative to my other interests. And I realize I really love the finance and relevant field. And I found a new course in NTU - Maths and Econs. It's a combined degree that exposes students to both fields with greater emphasis on the quantitative aspect. It's a really good deal, and I really devoted much time to research bout it. And that's when I realize that the mathematics portion isn't really what I'm in for. So I turned yet again.

I didn't wanna waste my results, so I looked at courses that are more prestigious and promising. And I turned to ISE in NUS. Then ME and EEE in NUS. Then Aerospace in NTU. Nope. Nope. Nope. Engineering is not promising. I even thought of Law. But I know that's too far fetched.

I've always condemned Business courses, and Accounting. I can always engage in a business or financial activities even when I'm not a graduate from Biz courses. Accounting's too specific a course that'll suit me anyway. I thought. And that's as far as that thought would go. Cause I've decided to bent it. I've decided to go for it.

Business and Accounting, doubles.
I don't wanna waste the grades to just do business when I can do both,
and furthermore, just in case my mind changed again like how fickle it is now in future, I may just fall in love with accounting.

Well, that's just a tentative plan anyway. I still have a scholarship to think about; though my brother's promised to sponsor, I'll rather have my allowance settled too.
And MAE is more promising in this prospect. So many Biz students are applying for scholarships all over the world, with my average grades, having a good one is highly unlikely. So that'll be an important aspect for me to consider.

Anyway. Just a side note, I've considered signing on and applying for LSA. IFF I end up having no scholarship AND find back my passion for engineering AND military life (...), I'll do just that. =]

There's gotta be more to life

There's got to be more to life
than chasing down every temporary high
to satisfy me.

Gold medal

Of course not mine.

My brother's impressive.
Top student for his Master's course in Financial Engineering.
That earned him a 9k gold medal from NTU.

Why can't he share some of his prowess with me. Zzz.

Borrowed

Life's back to days without her!
And I'm coping well, I guess.
But I won't say that life's going back to 'normal'

Unless you count going through hell as being normal.
Hell doesn't refer to the emptiness she left behind, of course.
It's the real physical hell that we're gonna go through for the next 3 months or so.
But I'm gonna work hard for it.

Life in army is full of ups and downs.
I was rather happy with life in BMT, where I really improved a lot and grew into a better man.
Didn't get in the leader's course was something I felt glad about in the past, but going through life as a medic, i.e. corporal, or rather, private (and not sct) made me kinda regret not fighting for the best when I still had the chance.
But of course Medic course did imparted me a lot of useful skills and life there was good. Not great though.
Parachuting; speechless. No experience I've ever had, and I guess I'll ever have, will replace the feeling of free-falling in the air, 1000ft high.
And now, the battle's right in front of me, and I feel the chill, the bloodiness.
I'm now at the front line, the battlefield. It's the real test. The real thing.

--

I've recently been reading so much that I can safely proclaim myself to be an avid reader. I'm reading on things from non-fictional books in the field of finance, economics, physics and mathematics, to fictional books in the thriller, romance, inspirational and horror genre.

I think reading is an amazing hobby. Many things that you thought you know, regarding life and everything around, you haven't. And you'll never finish knowing. There's too much to absorb; too much to know.
And it's not about the truth. It's not about the ending. It's not about the answer.
It's the knowing, the story, the question that's important.

I've found my new love.
It's an escapade for me.
It's unattainable, yet so many people pursue it.
It's intangible, yet so many people embraces it.
And I'm one of these faggots, maggots, worms. Bookworms.
I love to read, and to seek a greater knowing.

--

I realize I've became a Daddy/Mummy's boy.
I've so far had more than 10 nights out.
And every single one I've booked out.
And every single one I've came back home.
I've given myself many reason for this.
But I've concluded that it's homesickness.
I just wanna see my parents.
That's that. No other specific reasons.

To think that I'm actually one that dreads staying at home for more than an afternoon.
Remembering my sec school days, it's impossible to see me home before nightfall.
Then during JC life, weekends are forever stay out or morning-return.
Now that I'm in the army, every possible night to stay home seems so precious that I don't wanna miss it a single seconds.

Can't imagine confinements.

--

Of course extra duties are dread too...
Cause that'll result in a missing chance to chill out with my friends!
Life without her is never lonely.
Now that I think of it, I've been living a more fruitful and eventful life without her than the other way round. Life's not stuck with that one person.
Though I may love her more than everyone else multiplied, my life doesn't revolve around romantic love. And now that that love has faded, all the more should I let her out of my mind and life. That's when friends are important.
And also for the simple fact that friends are forever, girlfriends are not...
I may have lost something I wanted so much but failed to cherish, but I've gained invaluable friendships that I now know should always treasure.

Friends forever peeps.

--

Though there are still many of her presence around me,
they're borrowed.
They've expired, but still worthy, still valuable.
Still memorable.
Though the memories not required.
The experience is unforgettable.

100 days

The hell begins.
The battle is on.

Keep changing.

Same old brand new me.

I wanna sleep more!!!

Though it's a weekend and there's nothing scheduled for the next morning,
I can't seem to sleep pass the 7hours mark! Argh...! Zzz

Google search result

I've tried to find this page from Google search using just my name.
And it really does work!
Albeit it falls on page NINE. Not anywhere near the start. -.- LOL.

Exciting routines

Realize my weekends have become exciting routines.

Friday night book out will be dinner with Jing Wei.
Then it'll a meeting with Kaung when he doesn't have RT,
if not then it'll be zbl session with Rex after his work.

Saturday's lunch will be settled with Kang after he book out,
either that or it'll be with Kaung when he's got RT.
After that in the afternoon will either be a reading period for me,
or mahjong play out or movie outing with the SSGG.
Saturday's dinner is always enjoyed with SSGG (thus the name).
After dinner will usually end off with stay over or mahjong,
if not, it'll be chill out with Alex at his place or mine.

Sunday morning will start late.
Lunch will be with Andy at somewhere near us.
Evening will be the time for me to settle down and reflect (haha!)
and start packing my bag for book in.
Dinner's usually home cook food or with Z,
which will be followed by an excursion to Chin Boon's house for my free ride back to camp.
Otherwise, it'll be dinner with brother and he';; send me back to camp straight.

And then the weekdays begin.
And the cycle continues.
I wish it won't cease it's moving.
cause that'll mean weekends won't be boring!
(and Fri book out, late-Sun-night book in...)

--

I can actually move on in life,
probably not any worse than you can.

Silver wings upon my chest!

Haha. At last! Though I still haven't officially get it.
But I've practically passed the test!
Milestone of my 2years' journey. =]=]

Possible alternate ending

I know I should've treated you better
But me and you were meant to last forever
So let me in
Give me another chance
To really be your man
Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out
I just didn't know what to do...

1/3

Because I want my freedom.
At this age of 19,
I know we have a long way to go in life.

Precisely. 19 years, and 7 years from it is damn a lot.
It's more than a third of my life that you've participated in.
What's more, you've been holding the no. 1 position for that long a time.
Now you wanna just walk out of my life.

So you are the only one that wants that freedom?
You know better I want it more than you.
I never wanna be tied down.
But giving you up in exchange for that is mere selfishness.
And that's why you're leaving.

I don't blame you actually.
Perhaps if I were you, I would have left.
Long ago.

--

And you're right.
You didn't leave me hanging; I'm free to go.
It's just my fault that I can't let you go,
and put that 1/3 pass me.

--

And perhaps Kang and Lyd are right.
I'll find that better girl that's right for me in future.
I don't have to be so desperate to wait here so lonely.
It may take me awhile to find that Ms Right.
But I'll try. I guess I just have to.
You'll move on anyway.

There's not much point for me to wait for 20th Oct to arrive.
This 6 months is not a pause, it's the end.
I should have known.
It's the reflection period we both need.
Whether we still love each other, or simply got too used to the other playing that vital role in our life, it won't matter anymore.
Either way we should have parted.
I was just being the naive me to have put my trust in you.
To stupidly believe that the wait was worthwhile.
To ignorantly think that you'll be faithful in the meantime.
To wishfully hope that I'm still your only one and you'll return eventually.

By now, you should have realized that I'm not your Mr White Horse;
and by then, I may have, hopefully, come to my senses.

So long my lover.
Goodbye, my good one-third whole of memories.

Tattoo

Just like a tattoo.
I'll always have you.

Are you?

I wanna wait no more.

You told me not to worry that you'll leave me.

What gives you the right to walk out of my life?

--

Now, I'm walking away.

I'm leaving.

Are you worried?...

Photos don't lie

You didn't too.

You're just being unfair to me, nothing much.

Why am I such a fool, so stupid to believe I'm the only one.

--

I always say your reason to go was to enjoy your freedom.
But you've overdone it.
You've crossed the line.
Double-crossed me.

--

What grave mistake have I made?
I think they're nothing compared to yours...

You should know, whether your conscience are clear.

--

I hate to say.
But I hate you,
just because I love you too much...

--

I thought we were too used to having each other,
nothing will tear us apart.
But I was wrong, because you did it wrong.

The fact that you leave me and lived on,
and didn't miss me at all,
that shows a lot;
a lot of mistake on my part.

--

Is that the gravest mistake I've made?
Trusting you...

Falling free

That 5 seconds was incredible.

It was like a reset button; everything just went blank out,
and the feeling was free.

I was plunging, fast; faster than I ever thought I could.

It was worth dying for.

Say no to alcohol.

I'm drinking way beyond my limit.

Almost, lover

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you're just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

Living the truth

As we mature, small lies we tell ourselves about the past build into an impenetrable wed of denial and fantasy that conceals our pain. This web has to be unraveled if we are ever to find our way back to the people we were meant to be.

We all tell ourselves lies; we all have buried truths. Most of us fear revealing them, even to ourselves. So we leave them buried and do whatever it takes to keep them there, sometimes forever. Our lives become more and more inauthentic.

-- Living the Truth by Keith Ablow

Crossing the line

Jason Tey never ever wants to cross the friendship line.
May we always stay as what we are friends. Nothing more, nothing less. =]

What's my reason ?

Everybody has a reason that results in a target to work for.
That is the 'motive'.
And everyone needs some of those to move on in life.

What if one day everything seem meaningless to you, and nothing seem to matter anymore.
Will you choose to end the emptiness or move on?

When she left, I lost the reason to fight.
When she cease communication with me, life turned meaningless.
Should I end it, or move on?

What's the point of telling me not to worry of you leaving when you already left?
You're just trying to keep me without having to promise commitments.
I'm like a reserve. I really hate to comply.
But I have no reason to leave, much less to severe our ties, after all we've been through and built up.
I rather let everything fall back into its original places when you're done with your business.
I'll wait; though I've lost my motive, my soul will move me on...

If you still love me

What mistake did I made to receive such severe punishment?

Being deprived of love from you is excruciating;
but being stranger with you for a whole six month, not being able to even greet each other on street, that's beyond description.

Sentencing someone requires a trial; where's mine?

Love is blind, not unfair. Give me the reason for my love being striped, enlighten me...
If you still love me, why leave?...

--

They say you're not worth my wait.
But I think otherwise.
Prove them wrong please.
And please, shorten my wait. Shorten my agony;
Before I shortchange you with what's left of me from when you left me.

They say I should stop being so desperate for your return.
They say maybe what's left is not love, but belonging.
I say the wait is not lovely, and the man is lonely.
But I know there's still love,
and it's not only within me...

Knee breaking

Out of Craziness: OOC

How the hell did a recovery run end up to be one that breaks my knee. Haiz.
Let's pray for the best.

Insomnia sucks!

(On Thursday night)

Insomnia sucks to the core! How long since I last get it man.
Last time it used to only occur before something major going to happen.
Now, it's every single f-ing day! Damn it.

Think the lights out timing are too early, and so is the one for waking up.

Zzz. Sucks sucks sucks. Suck thumb!

Perfect Perception

Every time we face a personality test or quiz that involves showcasing our inner self,
we tend to cheat.

Not in the sense that we deliberately want to make ourselves look good.
We just sub-consciously edit the answers to gear towards the perfection we perceive and desires we have so that the results are satisfactory. That's is the main reason for us to take the test or quiz to find out more about ourselves: to satisfy our self-ego.

It's not an integrity problem, it's just a neurological issue. We all face the same issue.

So moral of the story: don't pay too much attention to the results of such stupid things. They'll just show us what we want ourselves to be, not what we really are. They'll merely reflect how naive and innocent we are when we expose the distance and difference we have from our perception of perfection.

Trust yourselves, and do it for yourselves to see. Not the others.

Weakling I am

You actually felt emotional on my birthday last year.

I didn't realize you were so affected by everything.

I thought I was the only one.

I realize I took you as a superwomen.

I took you to be invincible.

I neglected that you were mere human;

what more, a fragile women.

I was wrong in my perspective.

But I weren't wrong in believing that you were brave.

Thanks for being so strong.

To complement the weak me.

Bravo coy

Watched the Bravo coy go through their Red Beret ceremony just now.

It was supposed to motivate and inspire us to work hard towards it.
But it somehow just seemed to backfire on me.
We are still so far away from it.

Well, we just have to press on, don't we?

Anyway. All the best for the officers. =]

New limit

15km.
75min.

What do you want from me?!

Do people always have comments on posts of other people's when they view their blog?

What do you think of me then, when you read mine?

I think, if I were a complete stranger to myself, I'll find this blog's owner self-obsessed.

But it doesn't matter, because there's no need to comment, and you have no rights to do so too.

Have some decency to avoid making judgement will you.

This blog is meant for me and myself only.

F off, if you think I'm fucked up. You are not welcomed.

This is my private space!

Look ahead

Look ahead, life's great.

There's no time for regret in life.

All I can do now is to be happy with whatever I have now,
and work hard to have a better future.

What had happened in the past can't be changed, but the future is still there for me to alter, to create.

Look on the bright side of life Jason!

Muddy (adult) world

Before I book in on Sunday, I heard a very shocking news.

He was someone I respected so much and had so much aspiration to become someone like him. But I come to know the truth that somehow changed my views.

No one's perfect in this world, and I really don't blame him for what he's done; it's perhaps only natural of a man. It's just that I haven't really come across such incident; I'm too young, too innocent to believe that such things will actually happen, and happen so close to me.

All I can do now is to wish him good luck, and hope everything will go well for him. Hopefully too, that whatever he's doing, he's aware of the consequence and had done his weighing through.

13th Nov, The Great Day

Stay out once again. But the first for Hendon.

It's fun there with the Para wing, but things will change definitely once we head back to battalion. Saw our Bravo batch senior rehearsing for their Red Beret presentation parade this afternoon. Envious.

I'll definitely work hard for my turn to come. 13th Nov. I'll fight for it.

But first of all, I wanna fly, with wing; the silver one.

Parenting

Be glad when you are good in studies and have a bright future, because in that case your parents won't need to worry about you.
Be glad too, when your parents are trusting of you and gives you all the freedom in the world. But always do remember to play your part as a child, remember to visit them, show them your concern, or simply just talk to them.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Yet it's a sure-lose investment.
There's hard-work and heart-work. yet they have no pay and towards the end, no say.

I was at Rex's last week, where I felt rather out of place.
His mother was telling him off, or rather, making him think. I'm not sure if she succeed in her motive, but she made me tear. I don't know why, but it just happened. Mother's speeches are always so emotional, and always apply to every single one of us.

Guilt is a feeling that grows stronger when we grow up. That is because as we grow up, we realize how much we owe it to them to whatever we have now. Whatever they haven't give, they've tried. Whatever they've done wrong, they feel 100 more times worse than you without you making them know your feelings.

Always be grateful for all that they've done; do your part.

201th

Yeah. BAC is really fun and I look forward to my first jump.
We're not allowed to disclose anything regarding the trainings, but it's definitely bruise-ful and sweat-ful. Ha.
Pray hard I don't get injured.

Anyway. Friday booked out from Hendon for the first time; went home w CB to 'celebrate' Weeliang's birthday. Talked cock and ate desserts. Went home after that after failing to find further activity, really tired anyway.

Sat morning was supposed to go back to VJ or CHS, but end up I didn't turn up for either one; spent the morning sleeping. Then was mahjong as usual in the afternoon then dinner and then mahjong, then soccer. Throughout the process, I finished about 9 cans of beer and few glasses of Baileys. Which resulted in my hangover now.

I actually still made it out to run some errand. LOL. Back to my sleep soon before heading for family dinner and BOOK IN!

Welcome back people

First of all, Bro is finally back!
Life without him sucks.
(Cause there's no one to call to pick me up late at night, and there's no one to help me keep my sensitive items at home away from my parents, and most importantly, there's no comp at home!!!)

So, welcome home bro. I miss you. HAHA.

The girls are back from ROC too, and they didn't forget my liquor. Baileys baby. =]=].
And guess who they saw: Jay Chou! Basket, gone there go many times also never get to see him, some more he brought food for them. Zzz. Sour...

Anyway, Happy belated birthday to Alvin, Bobo and Yue whom birthdays fall on the same day last week. Happy birthday to Mr Joker Chua also which we've already 'celebrated' on Friday. And Happy birthday to my Medic buddy Mr Kiwi, please get ready for blanket party tonight. And Happy birthday in advance to Ms Always-right Goh who is ever busy. And also Happy birthday in advance to brother Matt and god-bro Kaung. Ms Teo and Mr Phua too, happy birthday in advance. And of course, towards the end, Mr Vice Capt Ng and Ms Clique-mate Ng, in advance, happy birthday. LOL.

As you can see, Oct-Nov are busy months for mums and dads resulting in friends being busy on July. If I've missed out any, which is likely, it's sincerely regretted.

Ha. This is random enough. -.-

Love/Hate

The coldness within us is burning.
The silence from you deafening.
The darkness in our future is blinding.
The calm in front of us stormy.
The peace we have is chaotic.
The assurance you gave is frightening.
The presence of you non-existing.
And the loneliness accompanied.
The emptiness filled.
The numbness felt.
The life dead.
The love hated.

looonnngggg WEEKEND!

Yeah! Looooonnnngggggg WEEKEND!

LOL. Sunday was spent playing mahjong as usual after a very tiring Sunday morning, where I fucking injure my back. Monday morning was wasted cause of the stupid bowling thingy, but no complaints, it's a day off thanks to that. And then shopping, didn't really get to spent a lot of money which I am happy and yet unhappy. Ha. And now here I am, at Rex's using comp and listening to his mother's rant just now.

The Happy Girls are out in Taiwan now enjoying the 38degree temperature anyway. Do have fun, but don't get memory loss cause of the heat and forget about the things I want! LOL.

Haiz. Sometimes some things are better not seen, some scents are better not smelled. Zzz.
Why am I so sensitive to it; if I were less observant, maybe I won't feel so much agony and frustration now... Zzz. Nvm. Fate.

Anyway. Really gonna sleep early tonight; lack of sleep makes one lethargic and grumpy, so I better go finish my shopping and catch some rest! Ciao.

Anybody free?!?!

Ah crap, I'm missing you!...

--

Can't seem to find anyone to watch all the nice movies with me during my free time. =[

Life sucks. Take drugs!

200th post!

At Kang's house again. Of course, this time it's not for the comps. (It's pure coincidental that he's got his lappy on the table while we came in, so... XD)
Went movie and lunch with the basketball team (which consists of mainly the girls) in the afternoon after a quick nap when I reach home from guard duty. Met BP and Kang for some world cup fever which revealed lots of actions and drama from the last match. Spent quite some money today to make myself feel tired cause of a lack of sleep. But I think it's money well spent still.

Bad thing is, kind of injured my back when attempting to do a suicide jump on a wet SBJ mat in the middle of the night when we had nothing better to do. So, pray hard it doesn't affect the much anticipated BAC, or the 'BA' will become 'OO'. And add a '3' to what it's became: that will be the cost. (Okay, don't try too hard to understand what only me understands)

Anyway, CCB has gotten his FB account. Congrats, for being slower than me on another event apart from 2.4. LOL. (Jk, don't take it to heart)
And I know you're looking, so, Good Luck Oct(opus) Ng for your tests next week, and thanks for PS-ing us today. Ha.

Oh, and there's DSA trial next week for VJ Bball, which I intend to pon cause of Homecoming-day tournament back at CHS, which I've decided to pon instead at second thought because of my basketball shoes, which I've apparently left in VJ. So seems like I'll go for the trials anyway. =]

And yes, Monday and Tuesday this coming week will be off days for us hardworking soldiers who were busy with our naps and slacks whole day long all week.

Gonna go catch some long anticipated sleep now then, Kang's snores are like enchantments, lullabies and whatever-nots that are hurrying me to join him.

I'm a happy man, if you don't count all the sadness. =]=]

Friends again?

I use to try so hard to get them back together again as friends.
But now I'm stunned by the news that it really happened.
And I'm not sure it's the best case scenario.
I'm starting to have doubts in my friends.

Perhaps it's just being human,
but I still don't understand.

Maybe I'm starting to feel insecure.
Starting to be afraid of losing things I've once been so attached to,
people included.
After so many things that have happened, and so much mixed feelings about everything, I'm losing faith and confidence in myself.

Careful mistake

Went for the interview last week for GEP.
It wasn't a scholarship, just a PROGRAM.
It's interesting, but I don't think I'll be up to it.
Screwed the interview up anyway.

And so I got another rejection.
But I've got a new target.
Another plan in mind.

That's partly due to the fact that I've been thinking a lot through my mind for the past few days.
Doing Civil engineering may be a passion and interest, but really, it's pointless.
What for getting so many distinctions in A's then do something that don't even require a single one. I've just wasted two years of my life if that's the case.
Furthermore, doing double degree may seem mind-challenging and fulfilling, but it'll definitely go against my philosophy of enjoying my life with the limited free-time it offers.
But perhaps sometimes we should just make some smart and careful mistakes in our life.

I'm kinda losing my directions after I've veered it back on course and abide to it for so long.

But anyway. Just watch me.
I'm confident in my next game plan. =]

Vow

The vow was crap.
I wanted myself to quit 3 things.
But I committed them all once again in that one single night.

Ha.

Days-off

Monday and Tuesday are day-offs! =]