One month has passed..
And we are in week 3 of the semester.
Are the commitments gonna triumph or will the dreams thrive?
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Supporting player
Every movie has its supporting cast, equally if not more important than the main.
"The problem with many of our team is that everyone wants to be the star player, and when they can't be, they don't join the sport. You don't have to stay in your comfort zone and do just that; learn a new sport, know the rules, and be the supporting player that is just as important."
Let someone else be the star, and the team the champion
"The problem with many of our team is that everyone wants to be the star player, and when they can't be, they don't join the sport. You don't have to stay in your comfort zone and do just that; learn a new sport, know the rules, and be the supporting player that is just as important."
Let someone else be the star, and the team the champion
We shall see
“
It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven’t left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. Ha ha, funny. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.
A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn’t transition well to adult life, that you’d fall right through the cracks. And look at you now. La di da, it’s happening.
Your mother, your father, your grandparents: they all look at you like you’re some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. “Getting old ain’t for sissies,” your father tells you wearily.
You wish they’d stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you’re not taking advantage of your youth.
You want to kiss all kinds of different people, you want to wake up in a stranger’s bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing, you want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a bonafide family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesn’t get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you’re closed off now, you can only imagine what you’ll be like later.
Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you’re starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They’re the ones that are holding your twenties hostage.
Stop thinking that everyone is having more sex than you, that everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it’s not true (it might be!) but because that kind of thinking leaves you frozen. You’ve already spent enough time feeling like you’re stuck, like you’re watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you’re unable to hold on to anything.
I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that people get better each and every day but that’s not really true. People get worse and it’s their stories that end up getting forgotten because we can’t stand an unhappy ending. The sick have to get better. Our normalcy depends upon it.
You have to value yourself. You have to want great things for your life. This sort of shit doesn’t happen overnight but it can and will happen if you want it.
Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?
We shall see.
”
— You’re Not Making The Most Of Your 20s by Ryan O'Connell
It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven’t left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. Ha ha, funny. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.
A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn’t transition well to adult life, that you’d fall right through the cracks. And look at you now. La di da, it’s happening.
Your mother, your father, your grandparents: they all look at you like you’re some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. “Getting old ain’t for sissies,” your father tells you wearily.
You wish they’d stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you’re not taking advantage of your youth.
You want to kiss all kinds of different people, you want to wake up in a stranger’s bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing, you want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a bonafide family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesn’t get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you’re closed off now, you can only imagine what you’ll be like later.
Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you’re starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They’re the ones that are holding your twenties hostage.
Stop thinking that everyone is having more sex than you, that everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it’s not true (it might be!) but because that kind of thinking leaves you frozen. You’ve already spent enough time feeling like you’re stuck, like you’re watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you’re unable to hold on to anything.
I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that people get better each and every day but that’s not really true. People get worse and it’s their stories that end up getting forgotten because we can’t stand an unhappy ending. The sick have to get better. Our normalcy depends upon it.
You have to value yourself. You have to want great things for your life. This sort of shit doesn’t happen overnight but it can and will happen if you want it.
Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?
We shall see.
”
— You’re Not Making The Most Of Your 20s by Ryan O'Connell
Monday, January 28, 2013
RIP
My first thought was how my dinner's gonna succumb to the gruesome photo.
Then came the posts appealing to take the photos down for the family's due respect.
--
What if that is your family member? What if that was you?...
Then came the posts appealing to take the photos down for the family's due respect.
--
What if that is your family member? What if that was you?...
Yesterday wasn't a good day
Then I went home for dinner. And I remembered my mom asking whether I've seen a doctor for my illness in the morning...
Then she asked me when I am going home before I left again for school.
--
Someday I'll be gone; or perhaps you all might go first. Someday we will part.
But meanwhile, there's really no place like home.
I haven't felt this homesick in quite a while...
Then she asked me when I am going home before I left again for school.
--
Someday I'll be gone; or perhaps you all might go first. Someday we will part.
But meanwhile, there's really no place like home.
I haven't felt this homesick in quite a while...
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Regrets
There's so much to do on the list, and one of those at the top is something I really dread doing...
"Resignation Letter"
There is a pretty good chance that I'll continue my studies, graduate with a good honor degree and lead a good life serving my scholarship bond; less probable that I'll look back today and regret at the fact that I'm about to quit a sales job. Not regretting the resignation is one thing, the guilt is another. So much hope was pinned on me; and people from other companies were even saddened by the fact that I've chosen my side so early. It's like being given a general rank even before fighting a war, and everyone is just waiting to see how colourful a report card I'll present after the contracting. And then "boom!" it all vanish. Everything just ceased because I've chosen another career path that conflicts with this responsibility I was holding; I have, in fact, chosen to disappoint and crush the many hopes pinned on me. I won't regret the better option I've chosen, but this betrayal episode will forever etch a hint of regret in my memories...
--
No one ever knows about the sorrow in this page of my life and I really wanna tell that somebody, but I guess it's better for her to have a good trouble-free rest now.
So, good night...
"Resignation Letter"
There is a pretty good chance that I'll continue my studies, graduate with a good honor degree and lead a good life serving my scholarship bond; less probable that I'll look back today and regret at the fact that I'm about to quit a sales job. Not regretting the resignation is one thing, the guilt is another. So much hope was pinned on me; and people from other companies were even saddened by the fact that I've chosen my side so early. It's like being given a general rank even before fighting a war, and everyone is just waiting to see how colourful a report card I'll present after the contracting. And then "boom!" it all vanish. Everything just ceased because I've chosen another career path that conflicts with this responsibility I was holding; I have, in fact, chosen to disappoint and crush the many hopes pinned on me. I won't regret the better option I've chosen, but this betrayal episode will forever etch a hint of regret in my memories...
--
No one ever knows about the sorrow in this page of my life and I really wanna tell that somebody, but I guess it's better for her to have a good trouble-free rest now.
So, good night...
I hope I'm not being selfish trying to preserve something I cherish
It doesn't matter when I stepped into your studio, your studio mates are telling me about how stressed up you always are; nor when I walk up to A4, every one is just telling me that you are crying yet again; nor even in your room, your roommate is always briefing me about what you're crying about this time round...
But it really does matter, when there's nothing I can do. How much of a failure one is, when everyone just give you the stare as if you're unfit to be a boyfriend cos your girlfriend is never happy; and she even have to act as though nothing has happened in front of you, when the whole world already told you what has happened. Really? You don't intend to tell me anything? But it's true, there's nothing much I can possibly do. I can't help you out with your drawing or attend crits for you; I can't spare you some of my CAP so that you can maintain your scholarship; I can't force you to quit the so many sports and commitments that you insist on holding on to as though they meant your life; I can't convince you to be less tensed up or over-expecting your performance; I can't even stop your stubbornness from joining things that I know very well you will struggle in coping when I have the power to do so.
And when you can't balance the so many things you try to hold on to, you breakdown. What's the point in all these crying just cos you wanna grab everything you think makes you happy? It's not only self-contradictory, it's childish. It's like having all the toys in the world but cries everyday cos you can't play with all of them; but you still want all of them... Life isn't some child's play, and priorities in life are not as simple as choosing which toy you prefers more. There's really no point in holding so many toys in your hands that you end up not having the free hand to play with them. Maybe it's time to let things go, and start being really happy.
Sometimes, giving up, is the happier choice...
No one will blame you for all that you've failed. But someday will come, when the arrow from higher authorities that doesn't want us to be together will shoot towards me; that is the time when everything seems bleak in your life, and I will be sacrificed... What is it that you really wanna give up then?
But it really does matter, when there's nothing I can do. How much of a failure one is, when everyone just give you the stare as if you're unfit to be a boyfriend cos your girlfriend is never happy; and she even have to act as though nothing has happened in front of you, when the whole world already told you what has happened. Really? You don't intend to tell me anything? But it's true, there's nothing much I can possibly do. I can't help you out with your drawing or attend crits for you; I can't spare you some of my CAP so that you can maintain your scholarship; I can't force you to quit the so many sports and commitments that you insist on holding on to as though they meant your life; I can't convince you to be less tensed up or over-expecting your performance; I can't even stop your stubbornness from joining things that I know very well you will struggle in coping when I have the power to do so.
And when you can't balance the so many things you try to hold on to, you breakdown. What's the point in all these crying just cos you wanna grab everything you think makes you happy? It's not only self-contradictory, it's childish. It's like having all the toys in the world but cries everyday cos you can't play with all of them; but you still want all of them... Life isn't some child's play, and priorities in life are not as simple as choosing which toy you prefers more. There's really no point in holding so many toys in your hands that you end up not having the free hand to play with them. Maybe it's time to let things go, and start being really happy.
Sometimes, giving up, is the happier choice...
No one will blame you for all that you've failed. But someday will come, when the arrow from higher authorities that doesn't want us to be together will shoot towards me; that is the time when everything seems bleak in your life, and I will be sacrificed... What is it that you really wanna give up then?
After 2 days of getting hit by a softball bat...
Girlfriend: "You must have sounded like a tree, that's why the bat hit you!"
-.-
Apparently cos bats have got sharp claws that they will cause a dented wound HAHAHA
-.-
Apparently cos bats have got sharp claws that they will cause a dented wound HAHAHA
Sunday, January 20, 2013
And when the daylight comes I’ll have to go but tonight I’m ‘gonna hold you so close
Your love, your hatred, your passion, your regrets, your life, your family, your friends, your lover...
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
It's not the same anymore
Half a year ago, I was the best. I had everything I wanted and could wish for; confidence was higher than ever. I had all my friends around me, and was making new friends everyday. I had the money I've saved up from army, and taught tuition to earn more. I had lots of time for my family and I get to stay home every night. I worked for the insurance company, and I get to learn so many things I never had. I can afford to spend so much time on the things I love: diving, playing mahjong, learn driving, take up new courses and chill out with friends. I was a commando, a vice captain, an ex-VJ student and I even got a scholarship. Things I was contemplating is about where to get a new tattoo and when to start my backpacking plans. I was looking at adventurous activities from trekking, kayaking, rock climbing to advance diving and even motorcycling. I was carefree; I was at my best.
Now, everything has changed. I'm no longer the me I used to be. I'm worried about my studies, trying to maintain a scholarship that I need, constantly getting demoralized by the lack of skills I have in the sport I used to think I excel in, trying to prove my worth as a boyfriend of one that's such a rare gem, and even trying to prove my very existence in this space and compete for a sense of being in this company that I now live in; and worse, to find time for the friendship and kinship that I treasure so dearly. Juggling the so many things I have to commit and the cruel realities that doesn't stop coming in, I don't even know whether I will breakdown soon, much less to find back the confidence I used to have.
It's not the same anymore. I'm not in my comfort zone anymore...
I have tried so hard to deny, but I can no longer find the positive attitude that I used to exude. I'm just not that good anymore...
Now, everything has changed. I'm no longer the me I used to be. I'm worried about my studies, trying to maintain a scholarship that I need, constantly getting demoralized by the lack of skills I have in the sport I used to think I excel in, trying to prove my worth as a boyfriend of one that's such a rare gem, and even trying to prove my very existence in this space and compete for a sense of being in this company that I now live in; and worse, to find time for the friendship and kinship that I treasure so dearly. Juggling the so many things I have to commit and the cruel realities that doesn't stop coming in, I don't even know whether I will breakdown soon, much less to find back the confidence I used to have.
It's not the same anymore. I'm not in my comfort zone anymore...
I have tried so hard to deny, but I can no longer find the positive attitude that I used to exude. I'm just not that good anymore...
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Man errs
So don't blame yourself for a mistake, only do so if you fail to learn from it.
--
I know you're gonna be emo over this but still, cheer up in advance! Hah
--
I know you're gonna be emo over this but still, cheer up in advance! Hah
All alone...
Enjoy your Ipoh trip and the rare chance of not having me sticking around! Hahah, and of course stay safe. Miss you and see you in a few days' time...
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
Politics
When it comes to work and staying in hall, it's worse than the Cold War espionage. So many things are happening all around and I don't even wanna pick them up, at the very least, leave me out of this shithole and not get involved...
Be careful
Because sometimes I can be too cool for you...
We come from such different lives and have histories so contrasted, but there's just this lethal attraction that I can't even explain. Sometimes I doubt myself for my choice; it's not even the usual kind of girl I'll talk to or even try picking up and there you are deeply infatuated with me... But these doubts never ever survive a simple thought of the times we had, they just vanish the moment the picture of you shows up in my mind. I must have changed; but then again, someone once told me: no one ever changes so fast. Then perhaps, I have always been wrong my whole life until I met you...
I don't even say these lovey dovey mushy stuff. The last time I recall myself having such reflections was I-don't-know-when... And I don't even know why all these thoughts are appearing!
Just, be happy; no matter how doubtful others are of us. :)
We come from such different lives and have histories so contrasted, but there's just this lethal attraction that I can't even explain. Sometimes I doubt myself for my choice; it's not even the usual kind of girl I'll talk to or even try picking up and there you are deeply infatuated with me... But these doubts never ever survive a simple thought of the times we had, they just vanish the moment the picture of you shows up in my mind. I must have changed; but then again, someone once told me: no one ever changes so fast. Then perhaps, I have always been wrong my whole life until I met you...
I don't even say these lovey dovey mushy stuff. The last time I recall myself having such reflections was I-don't-know-when... And I don't even know why all these thoughts are appearing!
Just, be happy; no matter how doubtful others are of us. :)
Sunday, January 6, 2013
What are we training for?
Wanted to leave early from basketball for softball, but he wanna stay throughout, and for a moment it really put me in such a bad light. Maybe it's just that our priorities are different, but the fact that he said we won't get to play for softball anyway just doesn't show much about his attitude... I don't doubt his commitments and talent, but perhaps the intention of going training to improve oneself is not present within him. If even JHeng can put softball ahead of his team's floorball trainings because this Saturday is the very start of softball season, I don't see any wrong in prioritizing it ahead of basketball which season is only gonna start in mid-Feb, no matter I'm the captain or not, or whether I get to play.
I'm not even remotely excited about IHG and I have no idea why I'm so affected by it... Fk this shit! It doesn't help that I feel myself getting weaker and skills deteriorating after every training. I only have so much confidence in myself, someday they're gonna dwindle; someday I might just give up...
I'm not even remotely excited about IHG and I have no idea why I'm so affected by it... Fk this shit! It doesn't help that I feel myself getting weaker and skills deteriorating after every training. I only have so much confidence in myself, someday they're gonna dwindle; someday I might just give up...
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Everything's still the same
Except I don't have stuffed animals and my dad can no longer carry me back to my bed...
4.5
Sem 2 is gonna start real soon! IHG and all the hall activities then we'll go face-to-face with exams once again. It's gonna be over in a snappy I believe. No matter; new year, new hope, new target!!! (But I haven't even confirm the modules -.-)
Can't wait for sem 2 to end and all the overseas trips to come!!!!!!
Can't wait for sem 2 to end and all the overseas trips to come!!!!!!
I'll make it official soon -.-
Was walking with Nicholas after training and saw a few jc friends that called my name, then Nic went, "not used to you being called Jason"
And I responded, "my primary schoolmates aren't used to me being called Shou Heng as well..." -.-
Get over it dudes, I'll respond to both
And I responded, "my primary schoolmates aren't used to me being called Shou Heng as well..." -.-
Get over it dudes, I'll respond to both
I'm not good enough
Confident as I am, or as joker as I appear to be, I know where I stand. And I'm only taking it up because there're little alternatives. I don't even wish for respect, I just hope for unity... Maybe someday I'll earn that and gain my worth, but maybe it's not going to be anytime soon
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Doesn't matter what I say
It's gonna be biased. I'd tell you to stay; I'd tell you all that you're gonna miss; I'd tell you I'll have one less to talk to when I need; I'd tell you I'll have one less reason to stay on...
But nah. In the end, it's what makes you happy that matters. It's what you want the most!
But nah. In the end, it's what makes you happy that matters. It's what you want the most!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Maybe it's true...
Maybe he wanted to say that it was me,
and maybe I haven't treated him to the best I could and should. Nah, not maybe; definitely...
and maybe I haven't treated him to the best I could and should. Nah, not maybe; definitely...
I'm honoured
been really really grateful and lucky to have had you with me all these times :)
And so it's the same back to you from my side... ^^
And so it's the same back to you from my side... ^^
HAPPY 2nd DAY OF THE NEW YEAR!
What's wrong with celebrating this day? Nothing makes yesterday more special than today. In fact, IHG starts tonight; aren't that more of a cause to celebrate than the mere fact of us having to write a different year every time we fill in the "date" column?
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