Childish.

There's a part of me that pester me to upload photos to antagonize her.

But there's an even greater part that reminds me that I've hurt her enough.

--

Of course;

a lesser part of me tells me that it's all damn childish.

Wandering~~

I did my usual routine of going to a few blogs that I always go to.

Two days ago, while I was on blog 'A', I realize my presence was being tested and I stupidly fall for the trap!

Then just now, I went over to blog 'S', and realize that I was/am an idiot.

Dang. It's so dangerous to wander on the internet; especially on blogs. LOL.

Senseless. HAHA.

But at least there's something heartwarming.

Blog 'B' is my usual hideout, and so I went over to it out of habit.

Then I realize there's this link on it that's somewhat familiar.

It took me seconds to recall that it's a mutual classmate's PM on MSN.

I read on before clicking on the link to make sure it wasn't a scam.

I clicked. (I haven't done so initially when I first saw it on MSN because the classmate that put it simply wasn't trustworthy enough. Haha).

And indeed, it wasn't a scam.

But yet I forked out more money than I would have if it was a scam.

I gave $2.

--

If you're a Victorian and you're laughing at the money I've donated;
make sure you donate more.

http://blog.ova.org.sg/2010/01/helping-hands-for-victorian-azri/

'A little kindness goes a long way'
~ Ms. JGKL

Goodbye my lover.

I know I shouldn't have turned back.

But still, I know you're a strong girl.

It's good enough that you replied, because it's definitely too much to ask for more.

We've proved to fail, even though we were the perfect couple in so many ignorant eyes.

But it's not the end; we'll both move on, I know.

We've learnt a lot from each other.

Though we shall part, the memories left behind will never.

It's been a good 5 years, and the goodness will somewhat continue.

I've tried so hard to hold on, I swear. But we both know it'll end up like this,

even before we started.

This isn't the first, but I know it'll be the last.

I've broken the fragile heart of yours much more times than I am entitled to.

We both know we've long past the expiry date.

So, for now,

Goodbye my lover.

Go find your better man.

Shop till you drop.

Ha!

Spent a 'grand' total of $230 today on new year and army accessories.

Still not quite done actually. But I'll just make do with whatever I have.

Boring day tmr with work that will be repeated for the next 4 days.

And then, I'LL BE FREE!

(for four days).

Haha. That should be enough for me to enjoy lah hor. Lol.

Maybe Zac's right: having nothing to do will make you feel excited.

Think I should start to make plans for Thurs, which I suppose the Night Creatures will gladly oblige. XD

Trying to cramp all people I wanna meet into 4 days is just impossible; luckily I've got some off the list this week.

Wellz, perhaps NS is not that bad; at least it gives you a reason to look around and hold on to people that're drifting away in your life.

--

And let some go adrift, intentionally.

"Like hell will I forget"

"S****029F, your enlistment date is on 05/02/10. Your reporting unit is SPECIAL OPERATION TACTICS CENTRE. Msg from CMPB. "
--

Yes, it has definitely reminded me of my national obligations.

More than that.

It also reminds me of the physical sufferings I need to endure;
The mental strength I need to acquire;
and the emotional pain to leave my other entitlements and responsibilities.

Perhaps I'm just exaggerating issues and having radical perspectives,
or even to the extent of an extremist;

But I think I did it right.

There's no need for you to wait and for me to desire.
We have our own lives to continue.

And I'm looking forward to mine, are you?

--

You may be at the far end of the spectrum,
but we all belong to the same source, moving at the same speed.
Just separated,
because of our different wavelengths and frequencies.

One day we shall meet, perhaps;
if there's an end to the prism.

Ms T.

We won't be friends after March.

LOL!

Wellzzz,

it's still always good to know that you have friends around who are concerned bout you.

Even if you're strong and don't need them
or even when you know they can't be of much help
or even still, when they unintentionally hurt you with more emotions.

They keep you alive.
At least that's the case for me.

Thanks.

Not. enough.

Compared to what we've been through,
my portion of devotion is probably minute.

Compared to what you're going through,
my grieve is probably insignificant.

Perhaps what I've asked for is unreasonable;
perhaps I'm really asking for too much.

But is the hope for us to remain as friends, normal ones,
that difficult to be fulfilled?...

Even on the account of all the time we had together...

Are all these, sadly, not enough...?

Get it back!

So, yesterday was nightout+drinking with JY after the Arab street outing was cancelled.
It's rescheduled to be on next Mon while there's probably a WDC chillout after that!

Today was movie w niecee Cal; caught Daybreaker; not a bad movie at all,
wonder why the cinema's not even half-filled.
Dinner was... well, I didn't eat anything as usual.
Urgh, something's seriously wrong w my stomach; no hunger.

Tomorrow's shopping-spree! Gonna get everything I need before I have no time for it.
Army's real soon; and so is CNY, and so is D-day.

Well, at least I'm getting more 'normal' life now;
before work commence again on thurs. Zzz.

Ha. that should make up for the pri sch gathering + class chalet + Bball outing that I missed.

Anyway. I seriously need to part away from my Vampire life and catch some sun soon,
before I turn into some 'bai zhan ji'
Lol.

That's about all.

And yes, gonna find more fun in FB now that it's getting boring 'vandalizing' the wallzzz.

Ciao world.

Random Rainbows

I was bored and decided to flip through my whole photo album digitally in an attempt to find some recent shots so that my fb account won't look so dull.

And then I made some new discovery!






See. We aren't quite done with rainbow colors. Lol.

--

Well, long are the days.

Stressful and fast-paced;

yet joyous and carefree.

Goodbye.

Till when we shall meet.

FB!

oh ya.

I finally have my facebook account.

HAHAHAHA!

I'm a lagger I know.

But then again, I don't really have a choice back then.

I don't so much have a 'private' life.

LOL.

Catch me there!

(if you caught me here first; I doubt it.)

LBJ.

I'm finally gonna part ways with the restaurant I've worked with since sec 3.

It's always hard to part; it's like breaking up with your girlfriend.

(But of course, less excruciating since you know you can always head back for a visit)

My reflection to all these years of working there is simple.

You learn nothing.

Except perhaps some politics that's common wherever you have women/ladies involved.

And oh ya, it's a dirty job; period.

Real illusions

I feel so detached; from my own world.

I'm on my own; even apart from my world.

There's nothing left in me.

Not even a soul to talk to.

I don't even want to engage in a conversation with myself.

But maybe that's because I'm afraid I'll break down...

--

Where did I find all these energy from;

to even allow my breathes for the past few moments.

Moments so soul-less; so fake.

--

Vertical forces that pushes me forward no longer exist.

All I can feel now, possibly, is the inertia in myself;

the friction I have with me, with The world.

They're all acting against me.

--

Like all other forces, hopefully, this inertia will be overcame.

I'll move on.

--

Do you have that kind of inertia too?

Find your engine, your thrust;

that will bring you forward and move on.

--

Then again. I feel so insignificant.

so inferior.

I don't have the options.

There's no choice, no democracy.

perhaps liberty existed,

but a definite no for meritocracy.

Efforts don't pay off in the real world.

--

I'm babbling nonsense again.

Ciao.

Disappear into life.

How often do you see the whole class and basketball team disappear from the MSN list...

Am I missing out some life?.

Urgh!

Again.

It just happened to struck me that

last year this time, there was a chalet too.

the chalet was similarly 3D2N.

there was also one day of BBQ.

and there were boys and girls.

But the most starking similarity is,

that we are not together;

we are alone, both times; these times.

--

Not everything was the same though.

It was a basketball chalet, while now the class's.

It was for birthdays, but now pure gathering.

It was my close friends now no longer, but now my classmates-no-longer.

But all that difference amount to nothing;

It was not the last time, but now, it's for real.

It's really the end...

Dream forever.

I used to dream of being with you forever...

For, you.

For, the love-of-his-life.
He's all nothing but disguise,
Nothing so true as the word he lies
And the deceptions in his eyes.

Oh so real are the words of wise:
Nothing on earth shall earn your cries;
What is worth won't wet your eyes,
While never you pity the vice.

Yes your world is cold as ice
But someday the sadness will bid goodbye.
Hold yourself and the day will come by
Don't lose your heart, your soul, your mind.

For now, you are no longer mine.
I was never your Mr. Nice.
So for now it's time we say goodbye,
You grab your life and I get my wine...

She, the one?

Is she really the one?

I used to be so utterly convinced of myself, that the answer is a definite yes.

But I realised that I haven love her enough to say that 3 words.

I haven committed enough to fit into the status I've earned.

I haven put in enough effort to get in return whatever I've got from her.

I haven done what I was supposed to to not let this be the outcome.

--

Do I really love her, like how old man loves his old woman?

Like how dogs love their owner and their owner the other way round?

Like how love was made out to be right from the start with Adam and Eve?

Like how it always is the case in movies and dramas?

--

I really don't know.

But I'm starting to doubt myself.

--

I'm sorry .

For being so false.

For being a hypocrite.

For being so myself.

.

I shouldn't have.

But all said, there's nothing much that'll be changed.

I've set up my mind to leave.

I will.

And I know you will too.

--

But what I'm asking for is just for us to be what we used to be on Day 1.

Normal.

Friends. That's what I want.

Can we, even, so?

--

I doubt myself, actually, again, if I want to in the first place.

.

The only way to minimise the negative, is to do less positive, isn't it?

Yes, logical.

Everybody's Changing.

Yes, and life too.

We've all parted ways and chosen to move in the route we want to and think is the best for us.

Decisions are always hard to make, but we constantly have to make them.

Regrets are often the result; but much more of a time, satisfaction is what we get, second only to the experience we earn.

We've all, everybody, been through so much, either as the sole guardian of our own life or as a group altogether.

Every single one of those that I know and knows me, we've crossed path and acknowledged each other's existence.

Especially those that suffered, shared and enjoyed together alongside me.

Even if there are many regrets around, the experience is definitely worth it.

'What is your greatest regret?'

I really don't have an answer. I've got so many regrets, and they all weigh equally.

So many people that once appeared and played a major portion of my life suddenly disappeared.

I know I'm to blame; I've always told myself to be subjective.

But there's nothing easy about this.

I've been wondering,

What if someone whom you know him/her as honest lied to you for something he/she thinks it's better for you to not know but you find the truth important.

Who's at fault?

He/she for trying to achieve a better outcome?
Or he/she for always being so honest; so much so that it hurts when he/she lied?

Neither, right? So I guess the fault is with ourselves; for asking too much.

Perhaps all the negatives that we so often see in others are due to unjustified expectations we have on others that we don't have rights on.

Perhaps what is wrong is never with people outside of ourselves; it's just our own value judgement and personal preference of expected behaviours.

But well, everyone changes; in fact, everybody's changing, now and always.

My heart; will. Go on.

There's a place in it, made of glass; war-torn, cracked and shattered.

The fragments in pieces; they bleed the soul so deserved.

On it the letters, each one so tattered,

but it was so beautiful it was never so intended.

For all we've been through we laughed, we cried, we struggled.

And all it comes to this, we wondered.

Why on earth, we bothered.

Good Grieve! We're both, Retarded....

Jealous.

How sweet, I'm soaked in sourness.

--

I haven had this feeling for a long time.

Jealous of couples around me.

I used to have them back in school when I see them loitering in twos.

--

I'm starting to think if I'm giving in too little.

Is it because I didn't try hard enough?

Should I have committed more of myself into it?

--

Will it have a happy ending in that case?...

Emo.

I finally know where on earth my emotions all welled up from.

It's the chill, the coldness, the emptiness, the hollowness, the blankness,

the nothingness...

So yep.

I'm free, a FREE man.

Nothing's gonna bound me.

Except, perhaps, the pain and the tears.

Well, we've all expected it to all come down to this isn't it?

So, nothing much to grieve about.

Nothing to moan about. Nothing to be sad about.

--

Freedom has always been the thing I was looking for.

Now I have it.

But just like the kind of feeling you have after buying some things better off not brought.

The feeling is wrong.

The excitement is not as anticipated.

The pain is there.

The is an element of regret.

The major compound I would say.

Regret...

Something I've been telling myself not have.

Well.

It. is. over.

--

I'll be fine; I am fine, actually.

I always look on the bright side of life.

And I know we are on the bright side; we, both.

I don't just wanna look at it, I wanna be in it.

--

Yes, be there to do that. Just that.

--

Yes, I'll have one less worry, one less burden.

One more freedom, one more ... .

--

It's so sudden, but not so sudden.

There's no shock factor.

We all know it'll come down to this.

This very moment. This very conversation.

--

We're not meant to be together.

--

period.

Strong.

When you see all the uncles with strong arms and wonder if it's all due to the alcohol they have; doubt it, it's seriously because they're strong.

When you daddy/grandpa tells you that work in the past was really difficult and tough, never doubt them, cause manual labour really is.

-- Reflections from a hard day of work for 80bucks.

Emotional for no good reason

Wonder what's going on in my mind.

Have been feeling rather emotional nowadays.

Not the usual kind over relationships.

Just, tear easily; much too easily, too often.

Perhaps it's due to the low immunity my body now has.

Oh, by the way, I'm on the verge of recovering!

Ha. doesn't sound correct?

No, 'verge' is the right word.

This sickness brought more positive than its counterpart.

Blessing in disguise I'll agree.

And yes. 3 more weeks.

Sick and Tired

When was the last time I get this sickish feeling;

Whole body weak, whole throat dry, whole mind blank.

Guess I'm really tired from all the night activities.

Argh.

Seriously gonna tune my body clock back.

Zzz.

Night Creatures

There's a reason for every name.

It's the only group where all members are online even at 2.30am.

LOL.

8thjan10

Nothing special, so I decided to use the date as the title.

Two guys are sleeping with me right now.

Don't get it wrong; different beds.

I don't wish that they were girls,

but it'll be much better if they were not sleeping and leaving me alone with PB.

Lol.

Oh well, at least I have accompaniment.

Ciao.

School Reopens

It's 7am now in the morning of a normal school day.

The sky outside is unusually dark, considering the hour.

But not so unusual since it's always rainy in this season.

The one thing I find most unusual is my mood.

I've always been anxious and excited; even for the whole week;

for it is the school reopen.

Every year this time I look forward to meeting my old friends,

and on three occasions, the nervousness overwhelmed, where I have to face a totally new environment and make new friends.

all these happened in similar periods, similar weather, similar anxiety...

(I'll say that all 3 occasions mark important milestones of my life; for I've met so many and been through so much -- all with these occasions as a starting point).

--

One thing is different this year.

As I look out of the window and onto the streets, listening to the traffic out on the road: bus stopping, accelerating; cars zooming pass, traffic lights beeping etc etc; they all seem so close to me, for I've been through all these for the past 12 years.

One thing is different this year.

The kiddo walking down the street is no longer me.

One thing is different this year.

My mood.

Less anxiety; more envious.
Less nervousness; more laid-back.
Less excitement; more sad.

I wish I could be there; But I've already been there, done that.

For the past 12 years, this is the first one that I'll skip.

School Reopens.

But I'm no longer part of this whole excitement.

Perhaps I'll still get my chance to feel the first day to enlistment; to work; to university. But these feelings are definitely less enjoyable than that of reporting back to the carefree and joyful school life.

No matter issit crossing over the street just under my house after I've confirmed that the school gates are opened from the bird's eye view that I have the privilege of; or to try hard to recall the timing that I used to have on a normal school day to get down to the bus stop I always go to with the mind of hoping to see the cute crush that I had who is now my girlfriend, only to find myself always too early; or just to ran and catch one of the three buses that I have to catch to be sure that I'm not late for school and when I got to the usual one, feel a little pissed off cause there's always a loudspeaker beside me....

All these feelings are now memories.

Perhaps they'll do much help when my brain try to recall the experience called 'nostalgic'.

--

Happy School Reopen, kiddos.

PB!

Good Grief,

I just spent like half an hour on blogging, LOL.

I wanna get back to my PB!

I'm gonna review about it after I'm done with all 4 seasons;
or perhaps, I'll get impatient and pause to blog later on,
hmmm, perhaps, there's no such need; people are already much more ahead in finishing it than me.

=[

.

Why am I such a lagger!!!!

Hmmm, perhaps I should change it to 'mugger'

Lol.

Hope my results will show, though I'm doubting as I type. Urgh.

Future.

My mini conclusion for the little book that I've read about happiness.

The fact that we feel happy is because we plan and foresee futures that we like.

And this happiness is drawn from the past experiences that we had.

So, actually, we need both a Past and a Future to really feel happy.

--

Our brain has got 2 operations that involved planning.

One is the ability to Next (not the cigarette); and the verb is called nexting.
This sub-concious activity allows us to apple.

See. it anticipates; the obvious experiment is as above.
When we see something ('apple') that we didn't expect, our brain momentarily gets stunned. That's because nexting failed.

The other, is of course to plan a future. This is attributed to the fact that we humans have got a frontal lobe.

Yes, people without it will survive (not all physical brain damage kills), but they loses the ability to think about their future; just like our small children who replies 'policemen' when we ask them what they wanna do in the future. Only difference between the two is that the former sees a blank image while the latter sees what he wants now instead of what the question is about, when the are thrown to imagine their future.

--

And yes, you may have guessed; other animals do not have a frontal lobe.

So, according to the author, 'to think of the future' is the best phrase that best fit into the cliche: 'The only difference between homo sapiens and other animal is ...'

--

Stumbling on Happiness
by Daniel Gilbert

--

P.S.:
This is only the first 2 chapter of the book; interesting isn't it?
Grab one in the library!

(Crap; no one sees my blog... Ha, never mind, someday, someone will chance upon)

raeYhserF.FreshYear

The first week of the new year was... yup, fresh.

Kind of a new kind of life. kinda... tiring.

Just like how I ended of my 2009, 2010 was upside down.

daylight dark and moonlight bright.

Well, the first week marks many things.

Most importantly, jingwei has went into the army and that sorta acts as an alarm clock for the rest of us. Army's real soon.

Yup, so I guess that sort of justified my being, night beings.

Gotta enjoy before there's no time for it.

Many things go through my mind nowadays.

But I'm trying very hard to subdue them and just think simple.

I've been reading up books on psychology, both the mentalist and the physicist versions.

It's really interesting and yes, mind-blowing, only that the literal meaning's the opposite; it pieces up the puzzle of the Mind.

k. Craps.

Anyway. I've just started on PB, gonna watch mentalist, fringe and heroes before I land myself on the government job that I didn't volunteer for.

Now that I mentioned government, my interview's reply's not here yet; no news' good news, I hope.

--

Perhaps Andy's right; I should try to revert my bio-clock.

I won't say it's screwed, it's just that not many other people's operates like it does, so it kinda brings out some problems... social problems on my part.

Lol.

Everyone's working, especially during the weekdays.

Why's my life so... different.

--

Yes, I gotta revert it.

.2010

I drank through 2009,

and I am too drunk to start 2010.