Life sort of goes on

Just needed to dump these photos here to show that some life has been found amidst the never ending work. As usual. 

Gloat

Feeling a little more happy than I should because (i) I contributed something significant to my first research assistant job, and (ii) I badly need some time off this project that burns off my entire Sunday every week. This comes at an opportunity cost of $80/week though 

Hit me, one more time

It's been so long. I've seen both of you sort of moved on, and then I've seen you on dates, and him with his new partner. 

But it somehow still hurts when I read what you just said. 

All these doesn't feel real until it becomes so close to me, and then it hit me, again and again. I haven't had that kind of feeling for a very long time, but somehow I could feel the sadness. I wish you all the best. Both of you. 

I wanted to sleep

And no, this is not some insomnia-related ranting post. 

Came home on a Wednesday night and thought I forgot to switch my lights off when I went out for supper but turns out Papa was watching TV in my room. Suddenly, I just thought someday this scene will replay in my head; someday, when it's no longer a routine. 

Resort. World. Sentosa

Went to this resort

With my world 

At Sentosa. (Doesn't quite like Singapore eh Haha)

Feeling the weight pushing me up

When discussions constantly require your input and things stand still when you're away... I sought after this sense of importance, and yes, immature, but don't all of you want some sort of social validation? 

In many ways I'm loving this pseudo-indispensability but I'm starting to feel it weighing me down. So much. So much it burns my desire to win even stronger. To get that $500, to get into that final round, to get that A, to get that recognition, to show off the many interviews I've owned, and to be that Demi-god I was never meant or made to be. And then it weighs me down even more. So much more it burns my desire to win ever stronger. 

如烟

Looping this song that reminded me so much of my time in Sweden even though I didn't hear it when I was there. There are tonnes of other songs that brings me back to those carefree days/daze but now, it's this. 

--

It was those lonely nights ever since the day you left that I knew I've grown. I've grown to accept the lesser side of me; and I've grown to challenge this very side I've been trying to avoid... 

It was also on this journey - the one that still seemed like a dream - that I started my adulthood; maturing into one with a realistic worldview and the desire to know more about this space we exist within. I found wanderlust, like so many others who boldly took that first step; and while this virus thrust me into many (ir)rational excapades ever since, every single one returned a different reflection of myself. A side I didn't know/want to know. 

I'm still fighting; still seeking... Ever since...

--

七岁的那一年 抓住那只蝉

以为能抓住夏天

十七岁的那年 吻过他的脸

就以为和他能永远

--

Some things will ultimately slip by; fight for it to stay, but don't forget to move forward. 

--

有没有那么一种永远

永远不改变 

Owned it

Came out of the interview with the interviewer saying "too bad you're in your final year, otherwise I would recruit you into our community leadership programme (which is only for year 1s and 2s)" 

Never felt so confident after an interview and I'm really looking forward to this trip that, apart from an overseas study trip experience, coincides with a topic of my interest. 

That also means I'll be leaving the day after my final exam ends so people, see you after Christmas! 

Dormant volcano

It exploded last night. Much less mysterious than the actual volcanoes, this is much more explainable by a combination of triggering factors. 

Lack of sleep, overnapping, no dinner, got pangsehed (on hindsight, wasn't exactly your fault that you wanna do more work since you had more time suddenly; just angry at the "suddenly"), recalled the wrong training time, huge load of laundry which I missed collecting cos of the change in schedule, and most irritatingly, my contact lens refused to cooperate when I'm time-crunched. 

So Brandon got fucked for the laundry, Ms Blur got fucked for pangsehing me, and Samuel got fucked for being at the right place at the wrong time, and most importantly, I self-fucked myself for the most of it and felt so terrible through the whole episode. Fucking insomnia, fucking bad temper. Fucking Jason. 

--

I hope I've reached my quota of explosion this life and it won't happen again (which I highly doubt so) but I'm really glad we can joke about it later on and thanks everyone for your understanding and forgiveness. Once again, I apologize. 

you feel like you're all on your own

I remember there was once when I went out with a relatively new group of friends, and all of a sudden I just felt like going home. Now looking back, I realize how it must have felt being uncomfortable in a social setting; how you must have felt every now and then. 

And this prompted the reflection 

Not once, not twice, but in fact, I've felt lonely many many times. Especially when I was younger. I mean primary and secondary school kind of young. When I have no playmates to play with at home, or when my friends left me out of their outings. Sometimes, when I quarrel with my friend, I'll just crumble in my own room and cry. And yea, it happened pretty often during my "dramatic" primary school days when the world was still revolved around me. They say when you are the only child, sometimes you seek support outside of your family. I am a de facto only child. Yes, I have a very close friendship with my brother now, and I would probably die for my sister if need be; but it was very different growing up as a kid when everyone else was busy being an adult. 

So, I looked out wards. And the outside world is cruel... I maintained many different groups of friends, even until today; and I work to keep myself occupied, or drink to keep my mind occupied. And even until recently, clubs have been doing a good job at just that. Until I started to feel jolts of emptiness within whenever I hear the loud music and intoxicated crowd. Friends whom I met later in this stage of my life thinks I'm super quiet in clubs after some drinks. I wasn't always like that, I was far from it. But more than physical limitations, there was just this emotional barrier stopping the enjoyment... I realize, I associated a sardine-packed club with my loneliness, and the loud music with tranquility; I didn't enjoy it. 

And more recently, when I was in Sweden, then Budapest, and then Japan, that bolt of loneliness attacked again, and almost devoured me alive. Unlike clubs, traveling solo was much less unhealthy, and I embraced it with open arms; and I fought my fear and emotional barriers. I don't know if I've won; neither do I know how many more hurdles do I have to leap past before I can finally reach the finishing line, but I know I'm making progress. 

And life is about making progress... It is about handling the loneliness in that room full of people, and dealing with the quietness behind the loud bangs of music. At least it is, for me. 

Uneventful weekend also can have a post

Went home on Wednesday and early Thursday morning this was going on: two very "professional" hair dresser who's been cutting hair since 1977 and one very satisfied customer who was all smiles! 

Went back to hall and found this on my door. I sent the photos but it's still damn hilarious hahah. Hope everyone who comes can have a good laugh! Especially Ms Blur haha 

Skipped class on Friday then went out for project meeting and met Thesis Prof (not finalized though) and then decided to go out and give ourselves a treat after Ms Blur survived SUNIG finals and project submission within a day. So Brandon drove Xueer's car and we went Clementi for dinner and this! 

Sat afternoon was lunch with Mayer and Sam and the ulu Nasi Lemak stall recently renovated after some minor scare of possible activation (I'm on standby), and I quite like the chocolate malt slush! Especially when it comes with 20% discount haha 

Went home and then came back hall the next day to find Xiaowou guarding the green bean soup, no one stole the soup so good job!!! And I like green bean soup with brown sugar now! Haha 

And then it's presentation on Monday, presentation on Tuesday plus submission of empirical assignment, then a short break and another presentation on Friday. End of midterm week and welcome hell week! 

鲤跃龙门

The story of Magikarp and Gyarados: 力争上游; struggle for success. 

Lesson: don't imagine you're a Gyarados when all you can do is Splash 

--

And be the Gyarados that learns Splash if you've forgotten it. Cos never forget the struggle that got you where you are. 

Entrepreneurs or workers?

I realize our education system churns out too many who are ready to be employees, and little who have the fire in them to go a step forward. 

Doing just good enough to get A for exams is just like doing good enough for your boss to give you the thumbs-up and you prepare your next promotion just like you promote to the next level of education. 

Being a boss on your own is different: everything that you've got is no longer just for the grades; what you have, is what you'll get. There's no longer a syllabus to follow, you need to become a know-it-all. There's no grades to determine whether you'll progress or not, there's only survival; to stay afloat and to excel in just that. There's no past year paper or seniors to ask for tips; there's only you and your guts to thrust into a future of uncertainty. 

I realize, even if you don't wanna be an entrepreneur, even if there's a greater cause you want to work for, you need that fire in you to do better in whatever you're headed for. Without that flame in you, you're always bounded; bounded by a false self-imposed limit...

Negative

You know how photos, the older kind, are never as colourful as they appear to be? They develop. They develop from the negatives. 

For you who wanna fuck that someone with the bad decision made;

For you who think you've failed big time for your interview;

And for you, my dear, for feeling sad over the loss... 

Wow that's a lot of negativity in a day and suddenly my world seems a shade darker. You'll definitely get over it eventually, and we all know about learning the lesson and blah blah. For now, if you are reading this, smile and think of something positive, then move along and get some work done! Life can't be that bad, there's me!