Sometimes good, sometimes bad

Been having bouts of ups and downs. I've always told myself during the bad times that it'll all be over someday. Nowadays, I tell myself this even during the good times as well. 

In any case, everything's gonna be over eventually, isn't it. Just thankful that some things remain constant throughout this rollercoaster journey - like her, and her screams and struggles hahaha 

I thought you should know

That I received two warnings from my DD for going for "too many" Dragonboat trainings (and the numerous, "how many more trainings do you have?!").

That I attended the trainings nevertheless, risking my fucking APA or perhaps even my career. "I think it's down to the fact that you don't have enough trainings" - yes, I agree. I really do. 

That I wanna thank you and the team for entrusting me with the responsibility, as a newbie, to row for team 1. I am really really happy that my commitments were recognised, thankfully. 

That I am more upset and angry than anyone else that I fucked up the heats. That more than anyone else, I wanted to put in my best in return for the faith and expectations all of you have placed on me. All the hard work and screwing up my career progress. I tried. I fucking did. But I slipped. 

That I hate all these expectations because expectations are somehow meant to be exceeded, and I haven't been, or perhaps I never will. I'm fucking mediocre. Stop. 

That I'm sorry. We didn't even manage a top 3. I didn't fuck up in the finals - but it wasn't enough. 

I thought you should know. I thought. 

--

Sometimes I wonder why do we stress ourselves out with these kind of "extra-curriculum activities". Like, if I don't join, I won't be facing all these stress and unhappiness and screw ups. 

But then I remembered - these are what makes life liveable; these are what makes us stronger...