And this prompted the reflection
Not once, not twice, but in fact, I've felt lonely many many times. Especially when I was younger. I mean primary and secondary school kind of young. When I have no playmates to play with at home, or when my friends left me out of their outings. Sometimes, when I quarrel with my friend, I'll just crumble in my own room and cry. And yea, it happened pretty often during my "dramatic" primary school days when the world was still revolved around me. They say when you are the only child, sometimes you seek support outside of your family. I am a de facto only child. Yes, I have a very close friendship with my brother now, and I would probably die for my sister if need be; but it was very different growing up as a kid when everyone else was busy being an adult.
So, I looked out wards. And the outside world is cruel... I maintained many different groups of friends, even until today; and I work to keep myself occupied, or drink to keep my mind occupied. And even until recently, clubs have been doing a good job at just that. Until I started to feel jolts of emptiness within whenever I hear the loud music and intoxicated crowd. Friends whom I met later in this stage of my life thinks I'm super quiet in clubs after some drinks. I wasn't always like that, I was far from it. But more than physical limitations, there was just this emotional barrier stopping the enjoyment... I realize, I associated a sardine-packed club with my loneliness, and the loud music with tranquility; I didn't enjoy it.
And more recently, when I was in Sweden, then Budapest, and then Japan, that bolt of loneliness attacked again, and almost devoured me alive. Unlike clubs, traveling solo was much less unhealthy, and I embraced it with open arms; and I fought my fear and emotional barriers. I don't know if I've won; neither do I know how many more hurdles do I have to leap past before I can finally reach the finishing line, but I know I'm making progress.
And life is about making progress... It is about handling the loneliness in that room full of people, and dealing with the quietness behind the loud bangs of music. At least it is, for me.
