I just went to flip through the past few posts from just before my enlistment till now.
Suddenly, Time seems meaningless to me, because it all pass by so fast!
I can still remember the anxiety, the eagerness and the emptiness of my heart the few weeks before the big day. And now, I'm just 3 working days to passing out. I've expected this actually, brainwashing myself from the start that when it all ends, it'll seem like a blink of an eye. But it wasn't easy.
From bidding goodbye to my parents, settling in, meeting and making new friends, looking forward to the first book-out, failing my swimming test and IPPT, CNY, A level results day, field camp, SOC, route march and RT to now, I'm just one step away. Not exactly so, since it's still a very very long way to the end. I'm barely 1/11 of my journey in green. But like I say, everything will end in a blink of an eye. It wasn't easy to come thus far. So many of us had so many times wanted to give up. But we survived, at least till now. There's so much memories, even in just this two short months. I know it's definitely not the fondest photos of our life we can get, but pictures of you people's faces will forever be etched in my mind. We've suffered and laughed through so many days altogether. Even if we fall out or back-stabbed, we still love each other; how ironic. It's true. We're gonna part ways soon; but this isn't supposed to be an emotional goodbye speech, because our life has converged and it'll never be parallel from now on, in fact, it's gonna be polynomial, meeting many more times along the time-axis.
Of course, not just the time in PRC. My life out of there has also changed so dramatically. Some of the people I used to hangout with moved on, while others stayed. I'm glad most of you stayed, if not I would not have survived. Thank you will be under-appreciative. It's more than I can express. This is perhaps a life changing period for me, though many would say that this two years is just a pause, we'll just serve and fuck off. But people who aren't with us will be two years ahead. That includes all our loved ones. Just like what she did, she moved on. I don't blame her totally, neither do I feel anything negative about friends who did likewise. It's process, a transitional one; perhaps to see who are the ones that really love you and you should love. But no matter what, you don't expect friends to pause for two years for you; so, let them go.
And families too. I think family contributed so much to my emotions in recent times. I used to say that I've done a lot of decision making that revolves around her. I was wrong, I realize. My parents definitely played a larger role. So what if I have the chance and ability to go abroad for further education and return with big bucks, or to pursue my childhood dreams to fly high in the sky. My parents may not get a chance to witness all these; they are old. I won't say that they don't have much left, but I don't wanna spend less time with them than I could. I realize I'm contented to book out just to see them and I'm sad when I know that they won't be home when I am. I tear at the thought of them leaving me, not because I'm weak nor because I need them, but because I think I've owed them a lot a lot. I haven't have the chance to repay whatever they've given me, and I won't wanna wait for long to do it. I wanna pen all these down, not hoping that people will see this and judge me, but because I'm afraid that if one day I suddenly leave them, they won't know how I feel. If there's one greatest regret in my life, it is my cowardice that failed me in expressing my love for them.
All these reflections are things going through my head while in camp. It is when you don't get to have the decision and choice to see the people you always see that you realize that 'always' is always wrong; it is then that you realize that you may one day not see them and that it'll be too late to realize by then. I never believe that being away from home and going through army life will change my perspective and maturity. I've always know I loved the people I love, but I've never know of the degree that is so immense, until really going through it. Life changing I will say, and that is my reflection of my army life so far. And it's only 2 months into it, I'm not sure what other philosophies I'll come up with in future with so much spare time and space for my brain to work things out, but this is definitely enough for me to call myself a Man, no longer a Boy.
I've grown up, definitely.
