What if one day you lose the thing that's most important to you.
What if one day the thing you fear most hit you.
Will you be able to face it bravely, or succumb to cowardice?
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Family and freedom; Loneliness and rejection.
If one day my parents leave me suddenly, I'll break down.
For so long I've always thought that I, being the run-away kid that hates being coop at home, am independent and mature enough to sustain life on my own. It's true, I won't have problem with everyday routines; but I'll definitely lose my mental pillar, my moral support and emotional strength. These are the things that only my family can provide and I need them constantly to move on. I don't wanna lose focus in life, I don't wanna lose directions through this journey, and I don't wanna lose the thing I love most.
Freedom is something I've always enjoyed since young. I don't know whether it's good or bad; whether it did me more harm than otherwise. But I do know that I'm now addicted to it. So addicted that 8 days of confinement in army kills me. So addicted that the much anticipated military life ended up dreadful and dull. So addicted that I'm willing to humble myself to become a lowly creature. I just wanna be free from restrictions; like how I was brought up to be.
I never one moment enjoyed being lonely. Being alone is perfectly fine; as long as my mind is occupied. But I hate to feel aimless. I hate to have no purpose and no place to go. I hate to feel like there's nothing for me to fight for, to achieve. And I hate most when all these happen when I'm alone. Get it? I just want accompaniment; I just want you. Just be with me, whatever it is. Just don't leave me alone. Especially when I'm so use to having you. Especially when your place is indispensable in my heart. Especially when you're important to me. Especially when I love you.
If rejection is a better outcome than keeping quiet about something, I'll gladly accept. Smack me right down back to earth.
But it's always easier said than done. How often do we feel dejected and disheartened when we face failure? Even when we tell ourselves that failing is just part and parcel of life; even when we know we can learn from our mistakes, pick ourselves up and move on; even when we know it's not the end. We still hate it. It just shows that we're more of a loser than we thought we are, and by hating it, we prove to be more of a sore loser, less of a man. In another words, we are all losers. At least I know, I am one. I know.
But well, we all have to face it isn't it; we will never have our family with us all year round and they will leave us eventually one day; neither will we always have the freedom to do any and every thing we want because there's always responsibilities and obligations to uphold. There'll definitely be times where all the people around you have no time for you simply because no one's world revolves solely around yours; rejections and failures are also definite in life for there's no alternative route to otherwise.
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But what if one day you really lose the thing you love most and the thing you fear most surfaces. Will you break down? Or will you accept it as it is? I'm not sure if I can do it. But I'm sure I'll definitely handle it better today than yesterday, and it'll only be better tomorrow. Because I know I'm learning everyday, and I'm trying; I'm improving. Most importantly, I'm maturing.
Life is never smooth sailing; when the worst hit, suck thumb. JTB.
