2010 .

I don't know how I'll be ending my 2010.
And I don't want to think that it's ending.

It's been a year full of ups and downs,
and also a year full of tears and joy,

just like every other year.

Enlistment was a very big turning point for me; someone who enjoys freedom more than anything else. I was confiscated of my time (and arguably, youth) and restrained from seeing my family and friends. I was immature, partly because I realize I can't do without them. Not so much physically as in daily routines, but also the daily routines of having them by my side, emotionally. I used to think that I'm independent but apparently I wasn't. And even till now, I'm not confident of saying that.
People has been asking me to take on the better path of studying overseas which will guarantee greater life experience. But I have not the courage to even think of trying to be away from all those I'm so emotionally attached to here in Singapore. I'm not ready for it. Totally unprepared. I've come to my own consensus that this is where I belong, and will belong. Nothing's gonna change that fact, unless something drastic happens. And this decision of mine also spark another thought, seriously, and that is to sign on and protect this place I really hate to leave. This revelation became obvious after going through NS and hearing so many comments/lectures/talks that made me realize how vulnerable Singapore really is; and perhaps one day, we really need to migrate is we fail to protect and treasure what peace we have now. But I eventually drop that thought because I've come to realize that the freedom-loving and ambitious me is not cut out to be so involved in the military defense. Protecting our soil don't necessarily have to be physical, I can contribute through alternative options. But being in the Army, especially so in the Commandos teach me more than the need to protect our land; in the personal aspects, I've definitely become more sly, cunning and scheming. Every man for himself. This is the most important lesson I've learnt in my Army life so far. Society is not as kind as I once thought, even though I may have been exposed to it way before I was enlisted, the kind of world where they treat you as a youth is different as when you are treated as a soldier, a man, a grown-up. You have to strive for your own excellence, and you have to prove your worth, earn your own mark, and at the same time create healthy inter-personal relationships. It's definitely a challenge being a gemini; having to have dual-personality, two-face and even act with a two-edged sword (literally). All the cliches that people always say about being an NSF of becoming more mature, learning to be independent, managing more self-discipline, etc etc. are true only to a certain extent. NS teaches you to cope with the real world. Losers pay; that the sad, cruel truth about the present society. Perhaps this is one very strong point for people embracing Communism, where every one shares the fruit of every other people's labour and winners don't necessarily takes home everything. But this is one good incentive for people to strive, and the motivation to improve is definitely one good learning point for everyone that understands or not economics. Communism fails to incorporate the humane factor, and that's why it's been proven a failure. Not to drift away from my point and dwell on the economics argument, but life is about econs, and NS gives us a taste of it, a fair share. I would overall give a thumbs up to this experience of mine. It's time consuming, but definitely not time-wasting. And I look forward to more lessons to be learnt in the one year or so left in my NS life. Treasure it, if you're grumbling.

Although the conscription results in lesser time spent with friends, I've compensated it by having one less time-consuming item - girlfriend. Now that I'm free to give my weekends to my family and friends and to spent my money all on myself, I'm definitely enjoying life more towards the fullest. Although money issue is still a burning problem, it's very much relaxed now that I'm having regular income. I've lost quite some friends that I used to be closed to, and I've realized that more are drifting away; but I've gained a more substantial amount of new friends, and regained even more once-good-friends to become best-friends-forever. I don't have to spend time building on a relationship which both parties know won't last and instead invest it on lifetime reward of friends. This is definitely a smart investment. Portfolios, they call it; and I'm managing it well, or so I guess. But there isn't no opportunity cost to it. I sometimes regret going out with friends when my parents are at home because that means I'm losing precious moments to be with them. They may not be leaving me any time soon, but their presence in my life is so important to me that I don't want to think of their absence, and I don't want to have the kind of regrets when they eventually do that I did not show them my appreciation when I could. I'm trying very hard to juggle everything I have in my life that's important to me, and it's proving to be a challenge. I found a need to prioritize, but at the same time found an incapability to adhere to it. I'm not coping well even though I thought this is not too bad. I'm trying to sieve out what's not important to make way for things more urgent but also realize that it's not possible. Everything I have now are not indulgences, but necessities. I'm saturated. And I'm glad I've made the correct choice of giving up certain things I once hold so tightly on; though it still need time to prove if the decision is correct. I am generally happy with my life now, but things will definitely change, and I sincerely hope they change for the better. I'm anxious.

I realize in this happening year, also, that regrets are unavoidable. We just meet them along our way, and there's not way we could have altered anything, because time never turns back.

Below is a special portion dedicated to, of course, someone special (though perhaps emotionally it's no longer so now). This person will, however, be special to me, always, because she's made up a large chunk of my life - 7 years from the start till we finally ended, sadly, unhappily.

Breaking up and patching up with her.
It happens every other time, and we've done that so many times it's uncountable.
Every time we end it, it seems like we've finally learnt from our mistakes, and we were both sure that it'll be definite.
But every time, we fail to learn, and we make the same folly act of patching together all over again.
I use to think that it'll be a never-ending cycle.
But that was the naive me. I took her for granted.
Every time we parted, I assumed that she'll return.
And every time she did so, I just treated her worst.
This year, finally, it's definite.
Definitely so.
It was well-deserving that I've lost her for good.
I'm really not fit to be that important to her.
and she definitely deserves more than what I can offer.
We weren't meant to be together.
We're better off strangers.

I've deliberately ended this with something more emotional because I hope all these past will always be left as a form of memories, preferably sub-conscious ones; and the unhappiness will ultimately have an end to it. It's nothing sad now that I've come to face reality and I'll definitely move forward and move on; but this will always be an imperfection in my life. This is one big mistake, and a greater regret is how it all ended and how things eventually turned out. I want to remain as friends, drawing lines but at least able to say hi; but seems like it's not that possible with how everything broke down towards the end. If only everything can be rewind; what's said be retrieved, what's done be undone, maybe things would have turned for the better; maybe the ending will be less harmful. Maybe we can at least still be friends.

But well, so long my special stranger.

So long, 2010.

So long, the 2010 Jason.