Having the captaincy the past two years meant so much to me; it meant I've picked myself up from where I fell few years back. Having to play my lungs out in year one meant even more; it meant I was part of something again. It wasn't a championship title; I couldn't care less, I've had so many of them while I was just sitting on the bench. It wasn't even a finalist spot but it was such a nice feeling to know I fought for something I love, or loved. It reminded me of my C'div time, when we played for the game, not the title. Of course, all of us wanna win. I wanna win. I wanna win my name on the line-up sheet; I wanna win my spot in the team; I wanna win my playing time with people who love the same thing I do, or did. And yes, a small part of me wanna win the title. Even when I've admitted that I can't keep up with the team, even when I've resigned to fate that I'm not gonna be a big part of it all, even if I've come to terms that I was even registered out of courtesy, I still feel so damn defeated. I feel so lousy...
I know strong people react to situations like this by telling themselves to come back stronger, to prove people wrong, to fight for what has been lost. But all that was going through my mind was how defeated and lousy I am; and how I wanna extricate myself from all these forever. I know, I'm a coward. But I'm really kinda tired of the fight... I'm always at the margin, always struggling to keep afloat; maybe when I stop paddling so hard, I'll start to surface.
I tried so hard to tell myself that all these are but the small things in life; who cares if you were part of the team? Who cares if you've won the title? Who cares about IHG 10 years or even 5 years down the road? There are, indeed, so many things in life that matter much more.
But I can't; I just can't. Right here right now, nothing else mattered more. Maybe it's a sportsman thing; maybe it's an ego issue... Maybe it's just me.
--
Then something changed all these.
Rex's comment on Facebook complaining about me neglecting my 6 other "Valentines" reminded me not only that there're some things outside that matter more, but also that there are people outside that loves me and don't judge me for what I do but who I am.
And also, my real valentine's old chicken attempt at cheering me up.
I'm probably feeling 10% better now.
