I don’t have friends who will cry until jialat jialat when I die

Revisited my list of “things I want to be remembered for”. Added some, removed more. 

Is it because life’s getting kinda hard that we compromise and narrow our list to just the few life goals we think we still have an outside chance of achieving. Or we just got mature enough to find that only few are worth living for. 

要怎么活，才能不枉此生。

28: New Year, Old Me

2019 will definitely go down as one important milestone year of my life. 

Started off the year at the highest point of my life, literally, back in EBC. And just like the trek, life was full of ups and downs this one fruitful year. 

I passed my 2B exams, and got myself a Vespa;

Owned my first (one-quarter share) of a property;

Got selected into the national (Beach Handball) team and was even on the shortlist to make SEAGames;

Learnt surfing, skiing and snowboarding;

Captained a sport (dragonboat) that I had picked up for just slightly over a year;

Lived in the fantasy world surrounded by Manta Rays and Whale Sharks in Maldives;

Won my first NHL match (with Dreamers); 

Finally saw a hint of 6-pecs after hitting the gym regularly and eating clean, going down to 73.8kg; and most importantly, 

Traveled with the largest fam contingent ever to Dalian

On the other hand, 

I’ve failed to secure a spot to eventually make it to SEAGames after sustaining a chest injury that saw me out of action for 2 months;

Health hit a lowest point after numerous gout attacks and insomnia, almost always at critical moments; 

And most unfortunately,

I lost a 7-year relationship with one of the nicest girl I’ve ever known in my life. 

All that. But the biggest literal takeaway for 2019 has got to be my ever critical, hyper rational, robotic, but ever patient, hyper real, and super loving girl. We came full circle, after knowing each other for 11 years. Never have I, in my wildest dream, thought that someday I would be together with this girl. But we did. 

—

And that sums up a dramatic decade full of ups and downs. Started the decade trying to get over who I thought was the LOML, completed what would be the most gruelling two years of my life (so far), partied hard, got a scholarship for which bond I am still serving it’s final months, started and fell in love with diving, spent the best years of my life in Uni, started work, met, dated, almost settled down, and finally broke off a 7-year relationship with a girl, bought a house (sort of), a bike, bought myself the biggest present ever (Invisalign), and now, just before the decade ends, living my happily ever after with the one and uni. 

And in all these chapters, I’m eternally thankful for the  

friends and my family who have always stood by. 

Goodbye 2010s. Towards a better 2020s. We go again! 

The better is yet to be

I have been striving so hard to be the best version of myself that I had forgotten to be better. 

Thanks for reminding me and growing better with me. <3 

Sometimes good, sometimes bad

Been having bouts of ups and downs. I've always told myself during the bad times that it'll all be over someday. Nowadays, I tell myself this even during the good times as well. 

In any case, everything's gonna be over eventually, isn't it. Just thankful that some things remain constant throughout this rollercoaster journey - like her, and her screams and struggles hahaha 

I thought you should know

That I received two warnings from my DD for going for "too many" Dragonboat trainings (and the numerous, "how many more trainings do you have?!").

That I attended the trainings nevertheless, risking my fucking APA or perhaps even my career. "I think it's down to the fact that you don't have enough trainings" - yes, I agree. I really do. 

That I wanna thank you and the team for entrusting me with the responsibility, as a newbie, to row for team 1. I am really really happy that my commitments were recognised, thankfully. 

That I am more upset and angry than anyone else that I fucked up the heats. That more than anyone else, I wanted to put in my best in return for the faith and expectations all of you have placed on me. All the hard work and screwing up my career progress. I tried. I fucking did. But I slipped. 

That I hate all these expectations because expectations are somehow meant to be exceeded, and I haven't been, or perhaps I never will. I'm fucking mediocre. Stop. 

That I'm sorry. We didn't even manage a top 3. I didn't fuck up in the finals - but it wasn't enough. 

I thought you should know. I thought. 

--

Sometimes I wonder why do we stress ourselves out with these kind of "extra-curriculum activities". Like, if I don't join, I won't be facing all these stress and unhappiness and screw ups. 

But then I remembered - these are what makes life liveable; these are what makes us stronger...

Bounce

Been hit by episodes of disappointment recently, failing to live up to people's expectations. Flopped my emceeing of the staff conference with a panic ping at the start; performed way below expectations for the HMG Bball team during the finals and the captain even explicitly told me he expected more from me. 

Don't ask why he only give $5 when others gave $10, when you don't know he only has $10 while others had $100. I'm greatful for that senior who mentioned my injury to the team. But no excuse. 

--

Facebook brought me back to happier times with a 4-year old memory, with a THOC promotional video that made me lol literally. LOL 

"You will do very well"

Done with my very first Annual Performance Appraisal; very contented with what I have and can only hope that I will do better in the future. 

What boss said might be for the formality but I'll use these words as my fuel for the next one year of new challenges. 

//Talk with crowd, walk with Kings//

--

Update: just received news that my rotation will be delayed and will not be heading to the the initial department I was slated to go. Good or bad, now I'm feeling an irrational jitter. 

Somehow I'm feeling a hinge of disappointment - that my rotation (read: progression) has been pulled back - but I'm really fortunate to begin with, to be able to rotate so quickly. Conflicting emotions really. 

Bumpy boat ride

Was telling Ms Blur about some stuff that was making me feel low, then I went on to clarify that it's actually more like a bump than a down time in life cos it wasn't anything major. 

Ms Blur then said it's like taking a bumpy speed boat through the sea (which was something she found thrilling on our previous island trip). I thought it was rather apt: it's these minor bumps in life that makes it worth living; a thrill in a life of mundane. 

These are also kinda like speed bumps I guess, giving you a life-size reality check. Slow down and get back down to earth, will ya? 

2016

2016 has been one hell of a ride and it'll definitely go down as one of the most important milestone years in my life. 

'Cos change. 

Started off the year paper chasing, hunting down profs to supervise my thesis and psyching myself up for a last ditch effort to charge towards the elusive First Class Honours (half thought it was pretty much a lost cause, really). Took a mod that I thought will benefit my transition into working life (Housing Econs) and it probably will, just not yet. Did help my thesis though. 

Tutoring a level 2000 module was really exciting, sailing through rather smoothly was encouraging, and the above-average student feedback was a goddam ego booster. 

Won the TFF subgroup forum but didn't manage to clinch the eventual finale forum was slightly disappointing but not enough to dampen the spirit of the challenge. 

LYLC and we didn't even win a single handball match. That'll remain the only regret perhaps for my short lived Handball career so far: from champions to almost the bottom of the pack. More work to be done definitely. Anyway, it was a nice end to my conversely long lived Basketball career, scoring the final two points through free throws in the finals and, of course, we won. And win we fcking did, we even brought home the overall championship after a nail-biting track finale. Was a good year as an LYLC, not so much as a sportsman... 

And we bade hall goodbye, it was unbearable to say the least, painful to some extent. Spent a good 3.5 years (bar the exchange semester) practically living in this place and it was like what I imagined when I was young - living happily with good friends as neighbours.  I guess never will I ever live this fantasy ever again. 

--

And then came the break. 

I did my first overseas trip with just my parents. Just the 3 of us. It was really challenging but I will do it over and over again if I have the chance. And perhaps more is really to come (looking at you, 2017!)

Then came South East Asia trip with the Bros. Another fantasy of mine, another dream came true. Kangster's absence was a pity but I believe we can make that up with more short trips in the future; and I really hope it'll materialise in 2017! 

Campervan trip has always been this fairy tale idea that I only read about in magazines and sometimes in western movies. Never have I ever thought that I will have the chance to do it someday, much less at so young an age. Truth is, it was so far from reality that I didn't even have any desire for it to begin with. And then it happened. The first night was magical, and then even till now the whole trip seems abit unreal... It set the bar high but I'm pretty sure our next trip for Ms Blur's graduation in 2017 will match it up. ;) 

--

And then back to reality. This time round reality came with responsibilities in the adult world. Suddenly, I've been thrown out of my comfort zone. 

Getting the Economics Society of Singapore medal is probably the highest achievement I've ever had academically (so far, haha) and I was so freaking stunned when I realise I won it. I was half-believing I will graduate with a second upper and suddenly I was the student with the highest CAP in my specialisation?! [Had the same feeling last night when I lost hope in this particular round in my mahjong game, when I have no tai to win the game and the tiles are in a mess; then suddenly I got an animal, got a four of a kind, and drew a in-the-middle tile all in the same round and I was waiting to win out of no where! And I did just that! Freaking 1-tai but that has been the best gamr I've had in a very long while. Ah, the small things in life... I digressed]

But then all these also didn't really matter in the end. Out in the adult world, everything got reset. Once you get your first job, it doesn't really matter how exam-smart are you in school, everyone's back to square one competing on the same ground. And there's suddenly so much competition! I know I will survive, but this will take some time... 2017 will be another year of change in my career and I hope what I have will end on a high note, and this high note can be carried forward to the next department I'm heading to! Please! 

Took on more external activities after I've slightly stabilised in my work cos that's just how I function: nothing much to do and nothing will be done, at all. So TFF moved towards AF and I moved from the chairperson of a subgroup to the Vice-president of the whole Exco of SG100. Many plans are installed for 2017, and much more work is coming my way. Great! 

Didn't wanna waste my "research skills" (nothing R rated) so decided to put it into good use by volunteering to research for an NPO and it's a new project, but we are expecting it to upscale come 2017 so it's gonna be exciting as well! 

Wanted to join HDB's (or at least HMG's) Basketball team training but was kinda late and missed the season. There's a chance that I'll miss the next one in 2017 as well but the thought of having the opportunity to train with a team again is triggering the basketballer (read: team player) in me. Haha! Been wanting to quit this sport since JC cos I kinda stagnated but I just kept coming back for more. The force is strong in this one...

Ended the year OT-ing with a friendly match with the TH handballers and it's encouraging to know they have a much bigger team with big potential next year. Played with the alumnus, most of them playin for Ravens, and it really reignited my passion for this new sport I've picked up (I also don't wanna end my handball career on such a low note that is our zero-win IHG season lol). Ravens is having player issues and if skills and time allows, hopefully I'll be back in the game in 2017!  

And then I went on to countdown for 2017 with people I've met (mostly) in hall. Some of my best friends are within this group of hallmates. And then I realise we don't miss hall. We miss the life we once had inside it... The joy, the laughter, the tears, the quarrels; the sweat, the grumbles, the chill and the fumbles (if you know what I mean). Nothing will bring that life back. But we can bring the people who created the memories out... Here's to 2017, and many more years to come, many more years to live out this fantasy of friendships! 

--

2017 will never be as important as 2016, but 2017 will be the year of settling in after 2016's year of change. Hope the transition will be smooth and steady. Cheers, 2017! 

Uber suay

Realise I haven't blog about my Indo trip and I really wanna do that before the end of the year (probably becomes "before the end of the lunar year" eventually hah). Anyway, gotta blog about this Uber incident I had after a chill out night at Rex's (which resulted in a quibble between the couple but that's another story haha). 

So the Uber driver got kinda lost, and when he eventually picked us (me and Rubin) up, he noted that we're heading near IMH, and the mood was set before so he started to joke about whether we were booking in. He said he's from there as well and I retorted that it's a great coincidence - we can book in together! Then things took a turn and went south out of nowhere. He started talking about his failed business and the business partner that swindled all his money, and how he turned from being chauffeured around to the present state of driving a private hire. Then he talked about his wife leaving him and just as he was babbling on, we stopped at a red light. All the cars in the perpendicular direction moved as they should and would, and then it cleared. The light was still red but there weren't any cars or pedestrians crossing anymore. The green man was flashing, with 15 seconds left, 14. And then he lifted the brakes and applied pressure on the accelerator. "Uncle! It's still red light!" It was slow, so we were stuck in the middle of the box, 13. I recalled that there was a red light camera at this familiar junction I run past every other day; another inch and we would be snapped. And so he did. Silence. Everything slowed down. 12. I looked around and all I see were eyes behind windows staring at us with disbelieve. Even slight disgust, really. I tried saying something, I don't remember. He finally started to realise what he just did. Was he tired? Was he just unfamiliar with the car? Even he himself can't seem to find a good answer. All he managed was a few slaps on the steering wheel, and lamenting his own foolishness. Apparently, he doesn't have anymore points for the demerit penalty. Regardless, we got off. Rubin was relieved. I was kinda troubled though, as I watched his car slowly strolled forward aimlessly when we walked further. 

I hope you'll somehow pull this through, Chong, somehow... 

Some days I think about being an educator...

This cool form teacher of mine once told our class that "if you think you can study better at home, text me to say that you'll be home studying;" and that's how I got my 6 Distinctions with 50% attendance. 

He treated us 17 year-olds as adults before we even started treating ourselves as one. 

To all my friends in the teaching industry, Happy Teacher’s Day; and please remember that our education system is not a one-size-fits-all, every student has his/her own needs and learning preferences, go out of "syllabus" if you must! 

He even quoted my current favourite song at the end of the article lol

http://thevictorianpress.com/mr-choy-difference-30-years-make/

Vanishing from surface of the earth

Gone offline (kinda) for more than 2 months not by choice, but because I changed to a new iPhone and the Blogger is now a paid-app so haven't been able to post from my phone.

All is well, though. But the digital detox is not the only form of detoxing I need. It's all gonna end (sort of) next Monday when I submit my Thesis... which is a whole new story on its own.

But yep, I'll be back. Soon, I hope.

Real (cruel) world

Yesterday went to meet prof and fellow TAs for the new mod I'm teaching and was taught a real life lesson; I would say it's really a prelude to the working work. 

So five tutors and three of them are year 5 (two of whom have been teaching this mod for the past few sems) while me and this other guy, let's call him L, are year 4s. All of them are DDP and I'm the only single degree tutor; also the prof is a new prof who just got her PhD. 

When I arrived outside the office, Senior (laojiao) A was already with L, so I went to them and self-introduced myself before being joined by the other two TAs to enter the office. The seniors also decided to just settle the tutorial slots and office hours there and then, to shorten the balloting process, and so chaos ensued. I was kinda afraid that I'll have little say to protect my two-day work week, and indeed the three seniors were vehement in their choices. But good thing this life lesson doesn't come at a cost to me: A was super critical of everything L was saying, from why he was teaching even though he's on a local exchange, to why he was given three slots by the prof while the rest of us two. And so with the excuse of scheduling issue, L's initial plan to conduct three consecutive classes was butchered up beyond recognition (made worse by me in my bid to have nicer schedule instead of having to come back for one lesson on Wednesday), even though he's lucky I bargained with him with a proposal that'll keep his 3-slots arrangement with Prof. 

And after the fiasco, I found out the main reason behind the whole episode between L and A: L ignored A when A initiated a conversation outside the office prior to my arrival; and A also found out that L emailed Prof privately to negotiate the 3-slot arrangement while the rest of us were discussing other issues on a common thread. 

明人不做暗事

And I guess it's always nice/beneficial to be humble and friendly, especially when you're dealing with people who are (or think they are) superior (for a lack of better word). 

What I would teach my 4-year old nephew

I wanted to write about how I'll teach my nephew not to be negative because it repels people away; not to use offensive aggression as a defense mechanism because it hurts others; and not to act like the world revolves around you even if you don't think you're acting that way. 

It was meant to be a reflection of what I've experienced on my Brazil trip based on a girl called Amanda, who will very likely be reading this anyway, and who I consistently refer to be "like my 4-year old" nephew because of her "childish" behaviors towards the end of the trip. 

--

Perhaps some of the lessons to be learnt still stand but after some introspective reflection and explanation on her part, I realize, in fact, that there is more for me myself to learn from this whole experience than to teach. 

So many what ifs appeared when things turned sort of sour, and we simply chose the simplest way out to assume the least of you. Sometimes it's easier to convince yourself of the side of the story you want to believe, that will absolve yourself of all responsibilities, that will bring you peace. But more often than not, that's not the side of the truth. Or rather, truth has no sides; and no matter how much we tell ourselves to wait for two sides of the story to be heard, we as humans are never objective. 

And that also applies to the person in question. You. Me. Any and everyone. The voice in our heads are never objective, and even when it's about ourselves, it's probably telling a story we want to tell, different from the intrinsic truth we know (or do we?) to be true. 

--

But everyone faces this pseudo-dilemma, everyone faces this daily struggle of the side they want to show. Everyone has a battle they need to fight everyday. Heck, everyone has battles they need to fight that no one else is ever gonna find out. The insecurity. The guilt. The regrets. The angst. The loneliness. The despair. No one's ever gonna know. Yet everyone knows. Because everyone is precisely fighting these same demons as you, me, any and everyone. 

And if we do it more often, perhaps this sense of sonder would have brought about true peace within and amongst human. We all need to stop behaving like 4-year olds.

坐下来一起吃

I remember, of course I do. 

Time is such an amazing thing: while it heals some wounds, it also fades out memories we wanna hold so dearly. In fact, more than memories, relationship, energy, positivity and many many other things can deteriorate away with time if no effort is put in to keep it the way it is. 

But some times, some things are just special enough to work against the wheel of time...

--

We aren't as close as we used to be and that's probably because the different groups that binded us together no longer hang, and we both go our separate ways. We were so similar in so many different aspects but truth is, I'm a less perfect version of you. You dared to fight for things you want; had the patience to see them through to the end; and put in your heart and soul into things you deem worthy. And I really respect you for that. And I'm sure your grandma will rest in peace knowing she had such a filial grandson. And really, I've seen you exhausting the very last of your energy for her, I'm sure she'll know, somehow. 

Take care, bro. 

Even though we haven't talk in a very long while, I can still feel your pain. But I'm sure you'll pull through like you always do...

Toughest of times

I am sometimes a sunrise person, and other times, a sunset person; but throughout my life, I've really been more of a midnight person. 

In fact, any time of the day brings out a different side of me; different scenarios pan out in my mind when I look out to the sky and recollects to some events that happened during this kind of sunlight and weather. I believe many people do that anyway, just as I am doing now, on the bus (which is the second best location to reflect on life other than in the toilet, but there's no weather in the toilet so, in this context, bus is the best place for such reflections; also, if there's a reason to not drive, this is it). 

It's almost 4pm now. And I realize, I kinda like it. Might have been something to do with the heat in Italy during the days spent with Ms Blur or the lack of sun in my six months in Sweden that makes me appreciate this weather, but it's quite unusual, isn't it? I mean, this is the most trying of time in a day: work and motivation both die down, everyone's waiting for the clock to hit 5, energy from lunch is waning off and dinner is not anywhere in sight, even the weather's usually unpredictable (heh!) at this point in time at the equator. 

But I figured, really, that's the lure. It's this time of the day after most of the productive day has past, when regrets, guilt, or a sense of accomplishment sets in; when there's still the one or two more hours to salvage the situation for some saving grace before a day worth of life comes to waste; or alternatively, when there's still some time to slow down and smile for the long and efficient day you have had. No matter, it's too early to call. And it's this irregularity and idiosyncratic reaction that's charming... Just like the conventional rain that'll pour anytime soon, life can break out of the routine heat when we prepare for the changes to come and embrace it. And just as how motivation is lost and you find it hard to concentrate on your task at hand, life is about fighting these monsters and battling these challenges. Being an 8am or 6pm or 3am kind of person paint the story about your ideal vision of the world and how it should be; telling yourself you're a 3:30pm kind of person, though, tides you through the toughest of time. 

I fight to face my fear, and while I still hesitate to get my own plate of breakfast before my friends arrive to join me, I'm embracing it. I'm trying to be the 3:30pm kind of person I set out to be. 

Fight, even during the darkest of nights. 

Year 2 me was goddamn smart

Scrolling through my old notes cos I was thinking of taking another philo mod next sem (and Dingkai was showing me a question that was floating around the internet asking "what is there"), and I found my forum response. 

I have no idea how the heck I came up with this. And it sounds like magic to me now. And funniest thing is, I couldn't believe I took this mod two years ago as I have zero recollection of it. ZERO. Oh wellz. Now I remembered. And now I realize I'm so far away from my CAP 5 self after exchange. I need to find the drive again, soon. Soon. 

Also, I've been trying to find this. This is what savaged me from "Heng, you better start participating" (which is still resounding in my head, and the philo mod I wanna take next sem is by the same prof! Exciting) to my eventual A in this mod. Coolshit 

I wanted to sleep

And no, this is not some insomnia-related ranting post. 

Came home on a Wednesday night and thought I forgot to switch my lights off when I went out for supper but turns out Papa was watching TV in my room. Suddenly, I just thought someday this scene will replay in my head; someday, when it's no longer a routine. 

Feeling the weight pushing me up

When discussions constantly require your input and things stand still when you're away... I sought after this sense of importance, and yes, immature, but don't all of you want some sort of social validation? 

In many ways I'm loving this pseudo-indispensability but I'm starting to feel it weighing me down. So much. So much it burns my desire to win even stronger. To get that $500, to get into that final round, to get that A, to get that recognition, to show off the many interviews I've owned, and to be that Demi-god I was never meant or made to be. And then it weighs me down even more. So much more it burns my desire to win ever stronger. 

如烟

Looping this song that reminded me so much of my time in Sweden even though I didn't hear it when I was there. There are tonnes of other songs that brings me back to those carefree days/daze but now, it's this. 

--

It was those lonely nights ever since the day you left that I knew I've grown. I've grown to accept the lesser side of me; and I've grown to challenge this very side I've been trying to avoid... 

It was also on this journey - the one that still seemed like a dream - that I started my adulthood; maturing into one with a realistic worldview and the desire to know more about this space we exist within. I found wanderlust, like so many others who boldly took that first step; and while this virus thrust me into many (ir)rational excapades ever since, every single one returned a different reflection of myself. A side I didn't know/want to know. 

I'm still fighting; still seeking... Ever since...

--

七岁的那一年 抓住那只蝉

以为能抓住夏天

十七岁的那年 吻过他的脸

就以为和他能永远

--

Some things will ultimately slip by; fight for it to stay, but don't forget to move forward. 

--

有没有那么一种永远

永远不改变